Lately, I haven't been feeling myself.
I've been a little bit down, tired, worn out and...I don't know. I can't quite pull the right word. I can't quite hone in on the problem.
I'm feeling guilty for how much time my kids spend in daycare. We leave the house around 6:45 in the morning and don't get home until 5:30, at the earliest. It doesn't allow me much quality time with them. I feel like I'm just this schedule keeper...
Get home...
Get fed...
Get bathed...
Get to bed...
And if the schedule goes awry, I get stressed and worried that I'll miss more time, which only leads to me being short tempred and rushed. They're not getting the best of me. They get what's left at the end of a long, busy day...in a string of long, busy days that start before the sun is up and end long after it's gone to bed.
I'm feeling stressed over real estate and finances. Our Richmond house is on the market and I just keep hoping we'll get the phone call that we have an interested buyer...but we don't. I know it hasn't been long, but I just need it to go away. I need that one thing to be taken care of. It's priced higher than it should be, but we can only go so low. There's not much of a financial safety net left after 18 months of unemployment. I thought all of our financial troubles would disappear once Clif had a job, but instead it seems that the universe planned it exactly so that he would find that job right as our savings was gone. And now trying to climb back to neutral is proving harder than expected.
I'm feeling inadequate about living in someone else's house. Not having our own space. Trying to cram everything that makes it home into a basement. I've been independent for a long time and I don't do well asking for favors or leaning on someone. In fact, I hate it. I'd rather sell my left arm.
I'm feeling bored and unfocused at work. This probably isn't a great thing for a 3 month old job. I have to force myself to stay on task, because the task on hand is not exciting. And even though it's a new job, it's the same seemingly pointless industry I've been in for 6 years. Six years of filling your mailbox with junk. No one ever dreams of this career.
On top of it all, I'm having a hard time writing. This is something I love to do and it usually makes me feel so much better, but the words just aren't coming. Everything I spit out is jumbled and random and confused. I have a few stories I want to tell but I just can't organize them in a creative way. Instead I just jump from topic to topic with no obvious sense.
So until I can figure it out...this is what you get. Me feeling, I don't know, stuck maybe?
