But, things sit on my mind and my heart. Things that are like 4 year olds. Sitting patiently for a small time, until they can't take the wiggly feeling anymore. Then these things tap and poke until they are all out climbing through my soul.
Writing is so much to me. It is my passion, my validation, my therapy.
So today I have to write. No matter what else is going on, I have to take the time to let it out, because this thing that has been fidgeting on my heart has to come out.
I need to tell you about this girl. I need to put it all down so I can remember. I need to record it so she knows. I need to freeze this moment, for any hard ones to come.
When they handed me this sweet little girl almost 10 years ago, I had no idea what I was getting into. I had no idea how much joy she would bring me, how I would cry for her, how my whole body would ache over her, how I could spend hours and days worrying over the tiniest thing, how looking at her sleeping face could bring tears and smiles at once, how the thought of her could warm my chest.
This girl is so special, and it is apparent to anyone who meets her. She has a light that just bursts out of her. If I could pick one word to describe her it would be happiness. She is rarely sad. She is always flexible. She loves to laugh and sing and smile. I look at her and am amazed by her beauty, but I am in awe of her heart.
Nothing gets this girl down. I met with her teacher last week, because school doesn't come easy for her. She is easily distracted and would prefer to spend her time in her own imagination than doing long division. And I am worried for her. I worry that it will just get harder, that middle school is just around the corner and she'll never keep up. I worry that moving to a new school will make it worse. But then...
Her teacher went on and on about what a wonderful girl she is, how she brings a cheeriness and fun to the classroom that a lot of kids need. That she's the first to include anyone who's feeling left out. How she always encourages others when they are down. She assured me that it's not just teachers that feel this way about her...even her classmates recognize her for what she is. And as I sat there listening to this I had to keep myself from bursting into tears, because she's right. I fight with this girl over homework and I force her to focus on things she's not interested in, and all along, she is a light that we need in this world.
She may fall behind in school. She may struggle with math. But this girl is so much more than I was at 10 years old. She is going to bring so much to this world that you can't teach, that you can't learn. I know however she chooses to live her life, whatever she chooses to do to share with the world, she is going to bring so much sunshine to those that need it. She already does. It's just going to grow and blaze and shine brighter the older she gets. I have seen her arrive in this world has a happy, easy baby. I have seen her grow into a bright and compassionate little girl. I am so lucky that I get to witness her transformation into a passionate woman. That I get to watch that big heart get even bigger and stronger.
I am most grateful, above all else, that I get to bask in her light. I always thought, and still think most of the time, that mothers teach their children. But Ainsley has a knowledge that I don't have, and I am fortunate to have such a wonderful teacher.