Tuesday, February 23, 2016

The Next Step

Alright, time to address my lack of blogging.  Promise, this is the last time I'll do this.

I think that my family may be outgrowing the blog.  I know that you love to see pictures and read stories of the kids, so just hear me out.  I think I've come up with a way to preserve something here and keep everyone happy.

Let's first talk about my reasoning.  There are a few things that have kept me from writing the last few months.

1 - Though my subject matter is adorable and entertaining, I haven't been happy with anything I've tried to write for the blog recently.  It feels redundant.  Like I'm saying the same thing over and over again.  See what I did there?  I redundantly told you I felt redundant.  And I did it again.  I am a perfectionist and I consider myself a good writer.  I'm obviously not a professional and there's so much I could learn and practice, but the blog writing has left me feeling inept.  And I often feel like I just throw something up on the blog to put in the time.  I don't want to do that anymore.  There are so many things I'd rather be writing.

2 - Ainsley.  And eventually Freddie and Cohen.  Ainsley will be 9 this summer.  Honestly, she gives me most of my material.  She's on the cusp of those emotional years.  We've started having the talks.  You know the ones.  And I've written about it.  But I haven't published it, because I don't ever want her to feel embarrassment over something I put up here for the whole world to see.  Especially because I'm trying to teach her, and eventually her brothers, the lasting impact of social media and the internet.  For instance, a couple of years ago my siblings and I went through a very rough time with my father.  I wrote about it.  I wrote so much about it.  I still write about it.  But you've never read any of it, because where is the line?  Is it my place to put his problems out there for the world to see? At what point do my stories about Ainsley become her personal stories?  Shouldn't it be her decision to share them or not?

3 - Okay, this is the tough one.  For the last 10 years, my life has revolved around creating my family.  And I love my family. We found out we were pregnant with Ainsley about 4 months after we got married. And ever since then every aspect of my life has been about my kids and my husband and what's next and do we want another baby.  Well, we're done having babies.  So it has forced me to look at what's next.  I try to stay grounded in the present, but I am a planner by nature.  I have to plan for the next step.  So now, there is no next baby.  We have created our family and now it's time to nurture it and watch it grow up, not expand.  And what does that mean for me?  If I do my job correctly, I will become obsolete over the next 15-20 years.  My children will move away and start their own lives.  If I do my job really well, they'll allow me to be a part of that.  But I'll never play the leading role again, and I don't want to arrive at that time and feel like I have nothing left...feel empty.  The last couple of months I've been feeling like I'm not sure what to do next.  I don't see a therapist, I write.  And everything I write has been so personal and so raw and so emotional, that I can't put it out there.  Not now.  Maybe one day, but not now.

So with all of these thoughts spinning in my head, I thought I should just walk away from the blog.  My last post was a good one, I thought.  So I'd leave on a high note.  But...but...but...

But I love this blog.  And I know there are people that love it.  And I've said many times that this will be what my kids read instead of a baby book.  (Total hysterical side note:  I suck at baby books, I've said that here so many times.  This past weekend, my mom and I were going through some old things and we looked at her baby book.  The one my grandmother started for her.  I say started because there were literally about 3 pages filled in.  The family tree, the birth information, and that may have been it.  So I come by it honestly.)

Point is, I don't want to completely shut it down.  But I am going to change my goals.  New goal is to post twice a month.  Put up pictures of the kids, tell some cute stories, and if Ainsley allows, share some growing pains.  But otherwise, I will be cultivating the writing that is currently engrossing me.  And one day when I'm ready, and when those pieces are exactly what I want to show of myself, I'll share all that with the world.  Maybe in the form of a best seller...maybe.

I was going to stop posting my blog on Facebook, because Facebook is so mind-numbingly addicting and annoying all at once...but I think I will continue to do that for now so that the people who rely on it will still be able to see it.

I hope that explains my absence well and still gives you your fix for my adorable children.  On that note.  Here are some recent pics...

Kennerly adores Ainsley.  It is so cute.  This was the day after Kennie's 2nd birthday party.

New Hair Cuts

Ainsley and Caroline in matching PJs

Cohen in hat and gloves, even though it was 50 degrees that day.

My favorite girl.

New Year's Eve toast.

Cohen in a locker.  I have about 10 of these on my phone.  He asks for a picture in a locker every time we go to swim lessons.

Uncle Cam with his two favorite nieces.

Freddie with the puppies.

Daddy and Cohen

New Year's Eve s'mores making party.

Cohen with little cousin Aubrey.

Ainsley with a tower as tall as her.  We have a similar picture from when she was 3.

Bye for now.

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