I haven't been writing as much as I'd like...I've felt uninspired. Not sure why, since I have two extremely inspiring creatures to fuel my stories. As I've mentioned I've been in a funk.
There are a few reasons. I know what they are.
First of all....I'm moody. Always have been and pretty sure it's not changing anytime soon. My mom is not the best at recalling all the details of my childhood. If I ask, she can usually give me a few tidbits...but one thing she always remembers...I was born on a Wednesday. "Wednesday's child is full of woe," she always tells me. I wouldn't exactly say that I'm full of woe...but I do tend toward the dramatic and I'm emotional and easily hurt and sensitive and moody.
Second...winter. I. Hate. Winter. I mean, I can deal with winter in like December, but then January SUCKS and February is even worse! It just drags on and on with no sun and no warmth and blah, I freaking hate it. I need spring to arrive. I love spring and summer and fall. I want a winter home in a warm, sunny place.
Finally...the move. I know this is the main cause of my funk. I don't want to live here. I want to go back to Richmond. I just feel dreary here. Life seems harder and more complicated here.
However, I have made the decision that my funk is over. It's done. I'm over it. This realization started to come over me last week. A few things happened that made me realize I was just feeling sorry for myself and I needed to end the pointless, self-loathing tendency toward wallowing.
First, I spent many afternoons after work at the playground with my kids. Various playgrounds, because there are a crap load of playgrounds around these parts. My nights have gone from a crazy, chaotic, sprint to get to bedtime to a more relaxed, memorable stroll through the evening. I often worry about my kids in daycare all day and me at work all day. I'm their mother, shouldn't I be the one teaching them, caring for them, playing with them? Well, here's the cold, hard truth...no matter where I live...not going to happen! We just can't afford to live on one income. So the best situation I can be in? Is right now. I get off at 3 and have a couple of hours before I have to start getting ready for the next day. That means that those hours can be spent being the mommy I want to be instead of the one I have to be.
Second, I read a lot of blogs. Let me give this little piece of advice. If you are feeling sorry for yourself...read some blogs. Because there are people out there writing about lives and events way harder than anything you or I have seen or been through. There are women who write blogs because they can't get pregnant. There are mom's who write blogs about their severely disabled children. There are people who write blogs about the death of a child. All things that I can not imagine. All things that make me hug my beautiful, healthy babies a little tighter.
Finally, I spent 2 weekends in a row away from my kids and I missed them to death and could not possibly imagine life without them. I do not want them to remember mommy being in a funk.
Sometimes we get so caught up in the life we want, or wanted, to live that we forget about the life we actually have. So that is my new goal, to appreciate every day for what it is and what it gives me.
Also, I've decided I'm going to start a weekly post called "According to Ainsley" where I will write about the conversations I have with my 3.5 year old. Because seriously, the girl is a wealth of material. Look for that to start tomorrow.
