There was a time in my life when I had no doubt in my faith. Where I believed whole heartedly in a God watching over us and taking care of us. I can't say that I'm still that way.
I do believe in something. What that something is, I'm not sure. I'm not saying I don't believe, but I'm just not as sure as I once was. I don't know anymore. I'm not convinced any more.
I want to go back to the way I was. I want faith and unwavering certainty in a higher being. I want to be one of those people...like my mom is, like my sister is starting to be, like so many people in my family are...but I'm just having so much trouble with it.
The last couple of years have been rough and they don't seem to be ending anytime soon. I know that everyone goes through rough patches. Life is a series of hills and valleys. You climb to the top of a mountain, only to find another crest and end up lower than you could have imagined.
Unfortunately, these last couple of years have not made me turn towards my faith...it's done exactly the opposite. It's made me ask "Why?" It's made me question everything. I'm not sure if I can find my way back to blind faith.
I don't go to church. I haven't gone to church consistently since I was 10 or 11. I've always said that I don't need to go to church...I believe, and so much of organized religion is just crap anyway. I want the spirituality and the community and the morals that come along with religion. I do not want the fire and brimstone, they are wrong and we are right, preachiness of religion.
So lately I've been toying with the idea of finding a church. I want to see if I can find that faith again, feel spiritual again. I've been searching for non-denominational congregations. I've come up with a few, but how long before I know it's the place for me and my kids? Do you have like an epiphany the moment you walk in the door or does it take months to feel at home?
I've mentioned before that I'm not good at making friends and I hate being the new girl. And that's what happens at a church, you're the new girl and everyone knows. And when you have to greet your neighbor, you stand there feeling like an idiot waiting for someone to talk to you.
But, I think I'm going to try again because I remember going to church as a kid and I loved it. I loved everything about it - the stories, the friends, Bible Camp, Sunday School, Youth Group. I want my kids to have that. I want them to have the option of faith, because in my opinion - the alternative is not as nice.