The Big Move

Change is never easy.  It doesn't matter if it's something you've been working towards for a year or something you've avoided for a lifetime.  Change is hard.  And goodbyes are even harder.

Two weeks ago we emptied our townhouse in Fairfax and made the move 2 hours south to Richmond.  It is something I've wanted ever since we moved to Fairfax 6 years ago.  But my kids?  Well, they weren't looking to make any changes.

They had been through multiple goodbyes.  They had their last day at school, they had their final playdates and sleepovers with close friends, they had their last games and performances, and they spent their last day on Wedgeway place mostly at my neighbor's house.  My awesome, super-woman, neighbor who can do it all.  She kept my dogs all day while the movers loaded the truck.  She brought us lunch.  And she entertained my kids while all of their belongings were packed away.

We put the last few items in our cars and I walked over to her house to get the kids and the dogs.  I knew this would be the hardest part.  And as I watched her daughter throw her arms around Ainsley and cry, I couldn't really hold back the tears either.  I watched as two almost 10 year-olds said goodbye to their oldest friend, and it crushed me.

Ainsley didn't cry when she said goodbye to any of her other friends or at the last day of school or when we said goodbye to the townhouse.  But as we walked out the door it all came out and she climbed in the car trying hard to catch her breath.

Then, with fresh tears, I walked Freddie the opposite direction to say goodbye to his neighbor friend.  He mumbled goodbye and gave him a hug and I struggled desperately to keep it together.  As the door shut, Freddie's face crumbled and I added him to the car sobbing.

And not to be left out, Cohen picked this time to lament the loss of his daycare friends and teachers.  It was rough and in that moment I wanted to reverse it all.  Say never mind.  Unload the truck and stay in that little townhouse forever.

But you can't do that.  You can't stay in the same spot forever because change is scary and painful.  You can't avoid blooming because you're afraid to grow.

I stood in the driver's side window watching hearts break and tears fall and I wanted to take all of that pain away, but somehow in that exact same moment I knew this was exactly what we had to do.  Life does not remain static.  Life is ever evolving.  That is an agonizing, terrifying, and wonderful thing to learn.

I could keep my kids in the same spot forever, but life would still change.  Cohen would eventually leave his beloved babysitter for kindergarten.  Every year my kids get new teachers and new classmates.  A favorite neighbor or best friend could move away.  Then there is always the inevitability of a child leaving home.  Life is never going to look the same year to year,  or even day to day.  And even though that's a hard thing to move through, it's also exciting and amazing.  To know that you can move forward in life and have new experiences and unexpected adventures, but still have those people and places to return to if you want or need to.

In the two weeks since we've left the friends and school and neighbors that we know and love, we've made new friends.  We love our new house.  We've had new adventures.  It doesn't change how much we love and miss our previous life, but it doesn't mean we can't enjoy this new one.  We can do both.

Down the road, when my kids are settled and not missing Fairfax so much, I hope they remember the awesome adventure.  I hope the pain of the heartbreak fades.  And I hope they learn that good or bad, this too shall pass - so enjoy the good and don't dwell on the bad.  Life can change in a moment and it could all look different in the morning.

Change of Plans

Twelve years ago, Clif and I moved to the Richmond area and we both thought we'd live there forever.  But, the universe doesn't always cooperate with the plans you lay out for yourselves.  Six years ago, we moved to Northern Virginia.  First in with Clif's parents, and then into a little townhouse on the western edge of Fairfax County.

Ainsley started school, Cohen was born, Freddie started school, we got involved, we moved forward, we created a whole life for ourselves here.  But...

There was always a thought to move back to Richmond.  Northern Virginia is not an easy life.  Commuting is hard.  Affording...anything...is hard.  We weren't sure how we'd ever get out of the townhouse we were renting and buy our own place while still keeping our kids in the same school.  It didn't seem possible.

Eventually, we accepted that Richmond wasn't going to happen and then BOOM...that pesky universe just laughs in your face and says "You have plans, well those are not my plans!"

So this post is to tell you that the Whites are headed back to Richmond!

We are thrilled and sad all at the same time.  If you had placed this in front of me a few years ago, I would have ran there, never looking back.  But as we prepare to pack up our lives and head south, the whole thing is very bittersweet.

This is really the only home my kids have known, and they love their school, and they have friends, and I've made friends.  We will miss all of those people that we see every day at the bus stop, and every month in Girl Scout meetings, and every season at T-Ball games.  We will miss the acquaintances that have become real friends.  We will miss our school and our teachers that are top notch.

But we are excited.  Everything has fallen into place so easily so far...I mean as easy as can be expected when you are selling houses and buying houses and starting new jobs and finding new day care and registering at new schools and looking for new activities.

So I feel like the universe is leading us in the right direction.  We finally sold the house we'd been renting down there...God willing, we close on May 10th.  We bought a house.  Clif starts a new job on May 1st - meaning he will be living in Richmond full time and we will be living in Fairfax until school is out.

Lots of changes that are exciting but also very scary.  Change is so hard - good or bad.  It would be so easy to just live in our little comfortable lives forever, right?  But I guess that would also be pretty boring.

I was feeling particularly stressed recently and my mom was asking me questions over text message and I said "My life would be a lot less complicated if I just lived in this tiny townhouse forever." Yes, much less complicated.  Because buying a house is annoying and complicated, but I complain about this tiny townhouse every day.  And it would have been really easy just to sign that non-compete document at PVA.  It would have been boring and easy to stay in that job forever because I had signed my rights away.  But I would have complained about it and hated it and I would have never remembered what I liked about my old job.

So there you have it.  Keep us in your good thought vibes...it's going to be a crazy ride for the next couple of months.

Moving...with Children

So we moved last weekend...Yay!!  I am really very excited about it, no matter how this post sounds.  Let me try and lay it out...

We moved to a teeny tiny house.  That's okay, I really don't mind...less to clean really, because I sure as hell can't afford a maid now.  So we're having logistical issues.  In the kitchen mainly.  There are three drawers people...THREE.  None of which will fit a silverware tray.  So my silverware?  It sits in it's tray on top of the counter...or the stove...or the table...or in the sink.  Depending on where I need to be at the time.  Also, Freddie's room?  Picture the smallest walk in closet you've seen...yep that's it!  No, I'm exaggerating, but not really.

And with a baby comes all the baby things that are needed in a room - crib, rocker, changing table.  The room is tight people.

But overall, I like the house.  I like that the main level is totally open so I can be in the kitchen and still be with the kids.

I like that there is a basement with a guest room and guest bathroom and a whole area for toys.

I like that there are huge sliding glass doors to the deck, which have no stairs.  So I can see the kids if they want to be out there.

I really do like it.  Mostly because it's ours...for now, and we finally get to be grown ups again.

But moving?  Yeah, that sucks.  Moving sucks always.  I am not the most organized or tidy person, so I'm not great at moving.  I always start out with really great intentions.  Labels on boxes.  Cleaning out, throwing away, cleaning as I pack.

Then it's moving day and HOLY CRAP I have not packed the bedrooms up!!!  So then stuff just gets put in a box.  Which box?  Who knows.  So this week has been challenging.  For instance, I can't find my belts.  I need to wear belts.  I have lost a tiny bit of weight.  Not enough to buy new clothes (good thing, because can't afford that shizz either) but enough that I NEED a belt.  All my pants are falling down.  That's a very classy and professional look for work.  So I figured I'd wear dresses and skirts...only I can't find them all.  Some of my dirty laundry is still in my car.

Yeah, we haven't totally emptied the cars yet.  Which leads me to my next point...

Moving with children SUCKS!!!  I mean it sucks way more than moving without kids.  My children are awesome.  But they are, in fact, children.  So the moment I try to do anything someone needs to be fed or bathed or changed or put to bed.  So whereas the last time I moved (without children) I could spend hours and days unpacking stopping only when I had to pee or eat...now that is not possible.

So really the kitchen is pretty much unpacked.  I put some clothes away last night, but everything else?  Still sitting in boxes in the living room or the future guest room.  Hence the reason there are still boxes and dirty laundry in the cars.

And that's that really.  I just have to accept the fact that this move is probably going to take me at least a month.  I try to do a little each night, but honestly I'm just so tired.  I've stayed up too late and not slept well, so I need to just take a deep breath and not hide in the bathroom crying...well I couldn't even do that.  I'm pretty sure the boxes are keeping the doors of the bathrooms from closing.

A Step In the Right Direction

People...guess what...

We have renters for our Richmond house.  I thought when this happened I'd be jumping for joy, doing back flips down the street, screaming from rooftops.  But I'm not.  I actually have a bit of an unsettled feeling.  I'm worried.  I know, shocking that I would worry!

You see we already have a rental property, and, let's see...how can I put this...how can I accurately describe this investment...

Oh, I know...

Hell!
Nightmare!
Stress!
Moneypit!
Horror!
Oh and my favorite...
Empty!!!!!!

Is anyone out there a professional arsonist?  Call me ;)  Kidding...maybe.

So, to have another rental property?  Not really ideal.  But we couldn't sell and we couldn't take less than what the house was on the market for, we couldn't drop the price without paying out at closing.  Not only would that have made me supremely angry...it's impossible.  We simply don't have the money to do that.

However, I'm trying to look on the bright side.  Even though the rent does not cover our mortgage, at least it's extra money to help with it.  So, I am choosing to focus on that tidbit.

This past weekend, we emptied the house.  Actually, my mom and Charles emptied the house.  I am forever grateful for their help.  And, after emptying the truck Sunday and Monday - I am even more grateful and not sure how I could possibly repay them.  I'm pretty sure the mediocre dinner I bought them Saturday night does not cover it.

So yes, we spent most of our Labor Day weekend emptying a moving truck and trying to cram every item we own into the basement of my in-law's house.  Let me show you how it went...

After leaving the truck, each item had to

avoid the leaning poorly placed pole of doom...

To the left are stairs leading into the house.  Space to the right is limited and obscured by some concrete block.  It was like a zig zag dance with heavy furniture.

traverse the crooked uneven stairs of death...

This is not really what you want to see under your feet while balancing one end of a 100lb dresser.

Oh but they are pretty...

or really freaking scary!

and perch precariously on top of unstable towers...

This may be a fire hazard.

Why yes, some things are touching the ceiling.  Hope I don't need any of that stuff.

This is how I kept the kids occupied -

Kidding!

But at least the rain made it easier.

And, what makes it all worth while?  Once we get our other hellish rental property taken care of and un-empty,  we get to move out and do it all over again.

Please note intense sarcasm!

But seriously now, it is nice to have this done.  Nice that maybe we're starting to test the waters and step one foot out of limbo land.  Maybe, this muddied, overgrown path we've been lost on for almost 3 years is starting to clear up and we'll finally be able to see the light through the trees.  I hope so.

Anything Else

I plunge my red, chapped hand back into the bucket of gray water.  I guess I should change it.  The baseboards would probably be cleaner if I used clean water, but I've already changed the water three times and I'm just tired.

I never clean like this.  To me, cleaning is picking up all the kids stray toys, running the vacuum and clearing the kitchen sink of dinner's dishes.  Oh and laundry.  Laundry takes up a lot of my free time.  Life is too short to clean like this all the time.  If I made it my life's mission to have sparkling white baseboards, a hair free bathroom that smells of bleach and a kitchen floor that doesn't stay with the knees in Freddie's pants then I'd never have time for anything else.

Anything else is what I love. 

Anything else is spending summer afternoons on the deck with Ainsley as she splashes in bowls of water.  Her curly locks wet and clinging to her cool skin.

Anything else is rocking Freddie to sleep each night.  Watching him as he nurses and drifts off so easily.  Humming softly as his eyes get heavier and heavier.  Breathing in the baby soap from his recent bath.

Anything else is cuddling with Clif and Ainsley on the couch for a good Disney movie.  Sharing a bowl of popcorn and watching Ainsley's eyes widen as Ariel and Flounder dodge a shark.

Anything else is taking Ainsley and Freddie on a walk through the neighborhood just as the rain is subsiding.  Ainsley bouncing ahead with her ladybug umbrella and Freddie mesmerized by the passing clouds.

Anything else is all four of us in bed together listening to a thunderstorm roll overhead.  The thrill and fear of it all too electric to sleep through.  But tomorrow is Saturday and we can all sleep in.

But today, Ainsley and Freddie are with Clif in Fairfax.  I'm spending the day in Richmond, making sure the house is ready.  Ready to go on the market, ready to show, ready for the open house, ready for another family, ready to move on.

I am alone and the absence of squeals and laughter and tears and crashes and toys and howls and conversation is noticible.  It's been a long time since this house heard so much silence.
I scrub the last foot of baseboard before dropping the rag in the cold, gritty water.  I look around and I'm pleased with the house.  I never cleaned like this for us, there's no time to clean like this when you're wrapped up in anything else.

This post is in response to a prompt over at the Red Dress Club: "Water gives life.  Water takes it away."