Please note that the following suspects are armed and deadly. Do not try and apprehend them on your own. Call for professional help.
Parent Enemy #1: Brinkley - the repeat offender
This suspect has been known to hold his poo during walks only to leave it on the foyer carpet. He has been known to chew chair legs, stuffed animals and newspaper. His most recent chewing endeavor...the brand new mud room rug.
However, by far his most daring and unfathomable action...peeing on the den carpet. Normally, this would be merely an annoying clean up, but what makes you want to kill him is the timing. Not only had he just come from outside, but the carpets were LITERALLY cleaned within 24 hours of the episode.
Be afraid, be very afraid and do not leave him in a room alone.
Parent Enemy #2: Ainsley - the mind eFer
Since attending a new school, Ainsley appears to have a potty accident every single day. This is evident in the fact that she is in different pants every night when her mother arrives to pick her up.
When asked Ainsley, why do you have different pants on?
Her answer: Ummm, I just have an accident and pee in my underpants.
Most recently she pulled an unbelievable stunt. While her mother put her baby brother to sleep, Ainsley was tasked with going potty on her own. This is something she's done on her own many times before. Upon returning to the room, her pajama pants were removed and her underpants had been changed.
Ummm, mommy? I just changed my underpants, cause I just peed in my pants.
Ainsley? Why did you pee in your pants?
BEcause mommy, I just peed in my pants.
But why did you pee in your pants.
(Large, heavy sigh) I just peed in my pants so I need new underpants, but it fine mommy. I got underpants out my dresser and I have new princess underpants now.
(Large, heavy sigh from mommy) Okay, well where did you pee? Did it get on the floor.
(Nodding) I pee in the bafroom, I kweened it up.
She leads her mother into the bathroom and points to the small area between the toilet and the bathroom matt.
A bit baffled, her mother asks So you came into the bathroom, stood next to the potty and peed on the floor? Just stood right in this spot and peed?
Why would you do that?
(Large, heavy sighs) I tell you mommy, because I pee in my underpants!
Please note that this suspect is extremely skilled in the art of mind games, confusion and psychological warfare.
Parent Enemy #3: Gatsby - the Keyser Söze
Though he doesn't have as many offenses as the other suspects, his one episode makes up for his lack of regularity.
Imagine entering a dimly lit room, Brinkley asleep on the floor, Ainsley asleep on the bed and Gatsby at full attention.
What's wrong buddy?
He's skittish too, his nerves are not the best. Immediately you are aware that he's probably done something wrong. Then you sit on the bed only to feel a slight wetness on your leg. Turning around, you realize too late that there is a massive puddle of urine in the middle of the comforter, pooled in one of the valley's created by Ainsley's legs.
Yes, that is his MO. Wait until no one's looking and then attack with all your might and glory and hope that they blame Brinkley! Because really, do I have proof it was him? No, I don't.
Please note, there is also some suspicion that many of the chewing instances have been at least aided, if not lead by Gatsby.
Parent Enemy #4: Freddie - the up and comer
He's currently planning his big heist, just waiting for his moment.
Really though, because of the cloth diapers, poop and pee are just a part of everyday life. Plus, we couldn't leave him out because he's sure to produce just as much chaos in the next couple of years as his older sister and dogs.
So if you wonder why I'm not always on the ball, not quite at the top of my game, not extremely with it...remember that I'm up to my eyeballs in poop and pee and I am totally plotting my revenge.