Since I posted about finding out if Ainsley was a boy or a girl, I wanted to do the same with Freddie. I'm going to be honest, so don't hate me for it...
I never wanted a boy. I mean, really, a boy just seemed like big time trouble to me. If you would have asked me years and years ago how I pictured my future family, I would have answered Four girls, no boys!
I was so sick during those early months with Freddie. That feeling of utter queasiness mixed with fatigue always reminded me of a Sunday morning hangover. I had often had the same feelings with Ainsley, but I never actually got sick with her. Freddie was a whole other story. It was a welcome discomfort after a pregnancy where I never felt pregnant, which led to a miscarriage and 4 months of trying for another baby.
Looking back on those first 16 weeks of ickiness, I think I knew it was a boy, but I never wanted to admit it. I would tell Clif that it was probably a boy because the pregnancy was so different. The sickness, the heart burn, the gas, the way I instantly gained 20 pounds in my belly and rear end the moment I peed on the stick. But I never wanted to commit to "it's a boy." Most likely this was because deep down, I was really hoping for another girl.
Ainsley had been a dream child and I was so head over heels in love with her that I just couldn't imagine loving a boy the same way. I wanted another Ainsley. Also, I so bad wanted to give her a sister. A sister close in age to her that she could grow up with.
Just like with Ainsley, I was nervous the day of the ultrasound but in a whole different way. I was so afraid of reacting badly if it was a boy. I didn't want to cry, I did not want to be that person, I wanted to not care, I wanted to want a boy.
The ultrasound tech got right down to business this time. Did we want to know the sex? Yes. Well okay, it's a boy.
I wasn't shocked, because a part of me knew...but I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, and I'm not going to lie. I was disappointed. I had been hoping, hoping, hoping for another girl. What would I do with a boy? I felt so guilty as we called family members to share the news and I couldn't even fake excitement. I kept thinking what a horrible person I was. Here, I had lost one pregnancy and then tired for months for another, and now I had this healthy baby boy growing inside of me and all I could feel was disappointment.
I spent a lot of my pregnancy feeling guilty for that feeling. Feeling sad that it wasn't a girl and getting used to the idea of a boy. Boy clothes are not as cute. Boy nurseries are not as stylish. Boy toys are not as fun.
March 18th, 2010, Freddie came roaring into my world. And I was completely. in. LOVE. All of those insecurities about raising a boy were gone. All of the disappointment just vanished. He was this perfect, precious being and he was so different from Ainsley - yet I loved him because of those differences. And the love was just so instant and surprising because I had spent so long worrying about my feelings.
When that little crooked grin spreads across his face or those little pudgy arms wrap around my neck or his small bow-shaped mouth opens for a big slobbery kiss, I wonder how I could have ever felt disappointment.