I never wanted a boy. I mean, really, a boy just seemed like big time trouble to me. If you would have asked me years and years ago how I pictured my future family, I would have answered Four girls, no boys!
I was so sick during those early months with Freddie. That feeling of utter queasiness mixed with fatigue always reminded me of a Sunday morning hangover. I had often had the same feelings with Ainsley, but I never actually got sick with her. Freddie was a whole other story. It was a welcome discomfort after a pregnancy where I never felt pregnant, which led to a miscarriage and 4 months of trying for another baby.
Looking back on those first 16 weeks of ickiness, I think I knew it was a boy, but I never wanted to admit it. I would tell Clif that it was probably a boy because the pregnancy was so different. The sickness, the heart burn, the gas, the way I instantly gained 20 pounds in my belly and rear end the moment I peed on the stick. But I never wanted to commit to "it's a boy." Most likely this was because deep down, I was really hoping for another girl.
Ainsley had been a dream child and I was so head over heels in love with her that I just couldn't imagine loving a boy the same way. I wanted another Ainsley. Also, I so bad wanted to give her a sister. A sister close in age to her that she could grow up with.
Just like with Ainsley, I was nervous the day of the ultrasound but in a whole different way. I was so afraid of reacting badly if it was a boy. I didn't want to cry, I did not want to be that person, I wanted to not care, I wanted to want a boy.
The ultrasound tech got right down to business this time. Did we want to know the sex? Yes. Well okay, it's a boy.
I wasn't shocked, because a part of me knew...but I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed, and I'm not going to lie. I was disappointed. I had been hoping, hoping, hoping for another girl. What would I do with a boy? I felt so guilty as we called family members to share the news and I couldn't even fake excitement. I kept thinking what a horrible person I was. Here, I had lost one pregnancy and then tired for months for another, and now I had this healthy baby boy growing inside of me and all I could feel was disappointment.
I spent a lot of my pregnancy feeling guilty for that feeling. Feeling sad that it wasn't a girl and getting used to the idea of a boy. Boy clothes are not as cute. Boy nurseries are not as stylish. Boy toys are not as fun.
And then...
March 18th, 2010, Freddie came roaring into my world. And I was completely. in. LOVE. All of those insecurities about raising a boy were gone. All of the disappointment just vanished. He was this perfect, precious being and he was so different from Ainsley - yet I loved him because of those differences. And the love was just so instant and surprising because I had spent so long worrying about my feelings.
And now...
When that little crooked grin spreads across his face or those little pudgy arms wrap around my neck or his small bow-shaped mouth opens for a big slobbery kiss, I wonder how I could have ever felt disappointment.
