I am 20 weeks pregnant. Wow, this is going by really fast. Especially now that I'm in the honeymoon part of the pregnancy. I'm not sick anymore, but I'm not uncomfortable yet.
Today we go to the 20 week ultrasound. I'm feeling nervous. I always feel nervous. I am a worrier, so my mind goes to all those places that you don't want it to go when some one's running late, or my kid is out of sight for 5 seconds in a public place, or when I'm pregnant and about to have the big ultrasound that tells us if there are any issues.
But I also get nervous over the boy/girl thing. I find it very silly, because really I just want a healthy baby. And that is honest to God the absolute truth. But with Ainsley, I was nervous because I was absolutely sure it was a girl and I didn't want to be wrong. With Freddie, I was absolutely sure it wasn't a girl but afraid to admit it might be a boy and I didn't want to react badly. This time, I'm fairly sure we'll be seeing pink in our future...but not as sure as I was with Ainsley. So why am I nervous?
Well, most likely this is my last pregnancy. Which means, this will be the baby of our family. Anything can happen or change...but it's looking like this will be it for us and I'm not getting any younger, and neither are my ovaries. And I have these two amazing children, one girl and one boy. And if I could, I would relive their babyhood over a thousand times. Ainsley so sweet and happy and passive. Freddie so loud and passionate and fierce.
If we get a little sister, I will be ecstatic...but a bit sad that my baby boy is learning to dress himself and tell jokes. If it's a little brother, I will be over the moon...but disappointed because my baby girl is in kindergarten and learning to read.
I know that this baby will be it's own person. Maybe it will be a little girl that's loudest and craziest of all. Or maybe a little boy that's shy and sweet and quiet. Who knows, but I know that in all the happiness I'll experience today a part of my heart will be sad that this will be it and I'll never know that next little boy or girl.