Playtime Can't Wait

Seven years ago I was planning my wedding.  We had just bought a house.  We had a puppy.  I thought I was terribly busy.  I mean, I barely had time to cook with all the TV I needed to watch.  We ordered take out or went out most nights.

Now I laugh at that 28 year old girl.  I wish I could go back and say "You have no clue what it means to be busy."

These days, by the time I am home from work and have both kids in the car, I have roughly 3.5 hours before bedtime to do homework, feed snacks, make dinner, straighten the house, have a family sit-down meal together, bathe children, read books, brush teeth.  Then I have about an hour to do something for myself make lunches, pack backpacks/diaper bags, lay out clothes, do laundry before I just need to collapse in bed.  Or usually it's vegging out in front of the TV because I'm too tired to even think about brushing my teeth.

I don't get to play with my kids a lot. On my drive home from work, I'm ticking through my list of to do's when I get home.  Playtime is tough to fit in.  Because all those things above are must do's.  They aren't save for later's.  Every night those things have to be done.  I can always put playtime off for another time.

Except when I can't.  Except when it's January 10th and it's 52 degrees outside.  So last night - even though I still have a disastrous house full of Christmas gifts I have no room for, even though I have 6 loads of clean laundry that need put away, even though we haven't looked at Ainsley's January homework sheet yet, even though the diapers aren't clean and I may have to send disposables in to daycare - I said screw it.  Screw the house, and the diapers, and homework.  52 degrees in January just does not present itself that often.

Instead we plotted tricks against mommy,

and slid,

and swang,

and posed,

and giggled.

Sometimes all that is worth a messy house and a quicky dinner.

Warmer Weather Means...

Picking flowers...

Wagon rides...

Pedaling fast...

Long days at the playground...

Smiles from everyone...

I Used To Be Able To Do This

Yesterday I took the kids to the playground.  It's a small playground and most of the time there is no one else there.  However, yesterday we ran into a family that we have seen there before.  It's a mom, probably around my age with two girls.  The oldest is a year younger than Ainsley and the baby is a couple of months younger than Freddie.

When we first met this family, I said to Ainsley, "Why don't you ask her what her name is?"

"What's your name?"
"Gracie."
"I'm Ainsley."

I lean over and say to Ainsley, "Ask her how old she is."

"How old are you?"
"Two and a half."
"I'm three and a half."

This prompted her mom to speak to me a bit.  Ask me about Freddie and so forth.

Then we both left the playground going to our separate houses and I kept thinking to myself, here was a perfect opportunity to maybe meet someone my own age, with kids the same age as mine, that lives in my neighborhood.  But I did not take the opportunity.  I did not ask her name, I did not tell her mine.

So yesterday, I see this family approach the playground and I'm determined to do better.  But I'm so bad at it.  I'm so bad at starting a conversation. I'm so bad at making small talk.  So instead of trying to meet someone new, I often come across as a cold, unfriendly, snob.  I know this because I've been told it by people after I get to know them.

So I say hi and that's about as far as I get.  The girls play together and talk easily.  The mom eventually asks me about my daycare situation and we discuss preschool and the neighborhood a bit.  But I still don't ask her name and I don't tell her mine.

The whole time I'm thinking, I should get her email or give her mine and we can let the girls play together.  But I don't. 

I mean, at one time in my life I could make friends, because I do have friends.  (Although, it's possible a lot of those unions were catalyzed by alcohol.)  It's just that not a one lives within an hour of me, so there are no playdates or get-togethers.  Those friends that I used to be so close with, I'm just not really anymore.

So why now can I not just say...
"Hi, my name's Jaime.  What's yours?"

Seems easy enough, but the anxiety of opening my mouth and letting that spill out just overwhelms me and I can't make it happen.  I can even prompt my daughter to do it...but when it comes to me, I just feel like such an idiot.

Then I usually just convince myself that I don't need friends.  I've got my kids and my husband.  And my sister and my mom...although they live pretty far.  But then I see friends together, and it makes me sad.   I wish that my friends that I do have lived closer so I could spend time like that with them, but mostly it makes me realize that I will probably never have that bond again because I'm too afraid to put myself out there.

Why is it so scary?

I load the kids back in the wagon, nervous about how I'll end this meeting.  Not sure what I'll say so I don't sound stupid but I don't seem like a jerk.

I look at Ainsley and say, "Ainsley, say bye."

"Bye."
"Bye," they respond.

I wave, smile and pull the kids back down the sidewalk - away from another missed opportunity.

Things That Make Me Smile

Lately, I'm having trouble finding things to write about and I'm still not really feeling my normal self.  So to try and bring me out of my funk for today's post...because really I do not want to turn this into "oh poor pitiful me" blog - who wants to read that...I'm going to list the top 10 things that made me happy this week.

10 - It was 80 degrees on Monday!  And the 10 day forcast shows nothing below 51.  Whoo Hooo spring is FINALLY here!

9 - Clif and I started a new budget/financial plan and so far, 7 days in, I'm super psyched about it.  I think it's really going to work and half way through the pay period we are looking okay and not wondering how we will buy groceries next week.

8 - I started working a new schedule which requires me to be there at 7 (ouch!), but I get to leave at 3.  That means an extra hour or so with the kids each night.  And they spend less time in daycare.  And there's way less traffic.  Other than the waking up earlier thing...win, win, win!

7 - I got a free frappuccino at Starbucks Monday.

6 - At the playground, Ainsley tried to catch a bird.  She said "Birdie, don't fly away, I won't hurt you."  When the bird did, of course, fly away she turned and asked me, "Mommy, why doesn't the bird want to sit on my finger?  Can he sit on my finger when I am big and I have magic?"

5 - Freddie screaming "Mummma" from his highchair at daycare the moment I walk in the door.

4 - Watching my favorite version of Alice in Wonderland with Ainsley

3 - Freddie (dare I say it?) sleeping through the night all week!

2 - My horrible laundry monsters are finally clean and put away.

1 - Freddie loving on his sister every morning when he first sees her.  Freddie loving on me when I get to daycare.  Freddie loving on daddy when he walks in the door. 

Yes, I definitely feel better and I realize that I could have gone on.  Maybe I'll do this regularly...at least until I can get back to normal.

Happy Hump Day All!