Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Not my normal post...

Do you ever have those moments where you look around and think "How did I get here?" It's like when you zone out while driving and suddenly you're home from work and don't remember one stop light or turn...except it's life, not driving.

I've been having a lot of those moments lately. I just can't believe where I am in life. For instance, I went on an interview in DC about a week ago and the whole experience just reeked of my post college years. Walking the streets of DC, sitting in traffic, I even passed by my old townhouse that I shared with friends. So that evening, as I was leaving town, I again drove by the townhouse and I was kind of on auto-pilot and then SNAP...there I was, in my minivan with my two snoozing kids in the back and I thought "Wow, how did I get here?" It wasn't a bad or regretful thought, just an awesome realization that I really am a grown up. Because honestly, I don't usually feel like one. I can't believe that someone trusts me to take care of and raise two little human beings. How can I possibly teach them everything they need to know? Won't I just totally mess this whole thing up? Sometimes I forget to brush my own teeth or eat breakfast. How could someone have entrusted other teeth and tummies to me?

Who put me in charge? And when did it happen? When did I start making the rules? Weird how quickly life goes by and leaves you wondering how everything ended up as it is.

So now, here I am, on the brink of some huge decisions/life changes. And what I do doesn't just effect me. I'm not 25 anymore, it's not just my world I'm changing. I have these two little lives to consider. I just keep asking myself "Is this right? Am I doing the right thing? Am I making the right moves?" I really don't know the answers. They're little and they'll adjust and adapt, but what if it's the wrong decision? Will I look back on this move 10-15 years from now and say "That was our best decision by far " or will I say "That was a huge mistake."

I've always thought that everything happens for a reason, that there's this big, grand plan for me and my little family and if I just follow that belief, it will all turn out okay. But what if it doesn't? What if I get stuck in Northern Virginia, working a job that I hate, that keeps me away from the kids longer than I am now, but stuck because it's too expensive to live there without me working. That's what plays through my head over and over again. I'm not much of a risk taker, and this is a huge risk.

But what's the alternative. The way I see it there are two. Clif and I live separately for the foreseeable future, or he quits his job and moves home. Unfortunately, neither of those are viable options...though the later is very desirable. He was a good stay at home dad and I think he'd be even better without the burden of looking for a job...however, we can't afford that.

So now I'm just stuck in this limbo land where my thoughts rush from "I'm moving at the end of the year no matter what" to "This single parent thing isn't so bad, I can keep doing it for as long as I need to."

It's really no fun being the grown up.
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