Fresh Starts

At the end of 2008 I was at my parents house for Christmas.  It was the first time in awhile that my whole family was together for a holiday. 

Clif and I were thinking about another baby and were also determined to get out of debt within the next two years.  We had a budget and a plan and we were excited about the coming year.  I even said "2009's going to be a really good year."

2009 was not a good year.  Within weeks of me saying those silly words,  my parents would split up, Clif would lose his job and I would be pregnant. A month or so later, I would miscarry.  It would be 5 months before I was pregnant again.  So 2009 would not be the year of financial freedom or the year of a sibling for Ainsley.  It ended up being one of the hardest years of my life.  And I know, if that's as bad as it gets, I'm lucky.  But that one year, set us back...way back.  Financially - our debt tripled.  Emotionally - we would worry more, argue more, cry more.  Physically - I gained about 20 pounds.

In 2010, after 18 months of unemployment Clif found a job.  A job that would move us away from our beloved Richmond.  A job that would take us back to Northern Virgina, a place I really never wanted to return to...but a job.  Also in 2010, Freddie was born.  Definitely one of the best days of my life.  So 2010 was a good year.  It was still hard.  We were still living paycheck to paycheck, but at least we were on the right path.

2011 started with me joining Clif in Northern Virginia...in his parent's house.  Those first few months were very hard.  I don't struggle with depression or anxiety...but those first few months are the closest I've ever come.  I could not see past my anger, pain, and humiliation.  I cried daily.  I pulled away from everyone.  I couldn't face the world.  I went through the motions.

So now here were are, 2012.  We've got tenants in both our properties.  We've managed to save some money and pay off all of our medical bills.  Granted that was a small portion of our debt, but it's something.  We've got two beautiful children, growing up way too fast.  I've lost 12 pounds...it's taken forever, but it's happening.  And now, we are moving out of Kip and Denise's house.  We signed a lease Wednesday night.  We'll be in by the end of the month.

I'm excited and nervous and worried...all those things you go through when you're going out on your own...only this time, I know all the pitfalls.  So, I can try to plan for them, but also it scares me more.

Mostly it feels good.  It feels like we're finally making a fresh start, that our life in limbo land is coming to an end and we can finally start taking a few steps forward.  Financially, it's still going to be a struggle.  We've already cut way back on spending...we started that 3 years ago.  But we won't be able to save as much, we won't be able to pay things off as quickly.  Our 2 year plan from 2008 looks more like a 4 year plan now.  But now I'm thinking...so what.  It would be great to have my debt erased and my savings account padded.  It would be awesome to have a nice little nest egg for each of my kids.  I would LOVE a vacation.  But right now, none of that is in the cards...but I know it will be.  We just have to be patient and let the next few years happen.

However, I wouldn't say I'm the most patient person...

The New Girl

As I walked back to my desk I could hear my cell phone ringing.  I dug it out of my purse just in time to see the "missed call" alert flash on the screen.

My desk phone began ringing and I recognized the number...Clif.

Hello?


Hey, it's me.  Daycare just called.  Freddie has a fever.


And just like that it happened.  The thing I had been stressing over and worrying about was real and happening.  Three weeks into a brand new job and I would need to leave early and take the following day off.  I knew it was coming.  Freddie's cough had started Sunday morning and had only gotten worse.  Last night, in my semi conscious state, I thought he may have been warm.

This morning I had battled over what to do.  Even without the fever, the cough and his clinginess were enough to keep him home...take him to a doctor.  The fever only confirmed what I knew.  And if I were in Richmond,  I knew exactly what I should have done.  I should have called into work and taken him to his pediatrician as soon as they opened.  But we aren't in Richmond.  Which means I haven't been at my new job long enough to accrue leave and we have no pediatrician.  I haven't found one yet, partially because I've been too busy with other things and maybe mostly because I love our Richmond Pediatrician so much that I can't bear the thought of taking them somewhere else.

I gathered my things and apologized to my new boss.  Getting out of DC to my sick child is not like leaving Richmond.  In Richmond, I could be to the kids in less than 15 minutes.  Not so here.  We chose a daycare closer to my in-laws, mostly due to financial reasons.  I wish that weren't what we had to base so many decisions on...where to live, where to work, where to send our kids.  I wish money weren't such a deciding factor.  So because the daycare is closer to the house and because I park 1/4 of a mile from my office (also a financial decision), it's almost an hour before I arrive.

It's 4:30 when I buckle the kids in and get back in the car, headed for...well, I'm not sure where.  Clif and I had discussed just going to an urgent care.  It could cost us a bundle, but how in the world could I possibly get in to see a pediatrician that I had never seen before so close to closing time?  So I head for the closest urgent care.

I unload the kids and drag them inside.  Freddie is miserable.  They take one look at us and say "We don't see children under 5."

This is where I come dangerously close to loosing my mind and telling the woman behind the counter exactly what I think of her medical facility.  My mind starts racing and I don't know what to do.  There's a part of me that wants to get in the car and drive to Richmond and never come back.

I take a deep breath and ask them if they know of any pediatric facilities near by.  They give me a number to a pediatrician's office...but now it's 4:50.  So I strap the kids back in the car and call the insurance company.  She was very nice, but she can't tell me if a place takes kids or not.

So I just start calling, because honestly, I haven't been to an urgent care facility since I was in high school and I have no idea if any of them take infants.  Luckily, the first one I call does, and they're right around the corner from Kip and Denise's house.

So after a missed exit on the beltway, 5 o'clock traffic and my wallet forgotten in the car we are finally waiting to see a doctor.  It's an ear infection.  His first.  Ainsley had had 4 or 5 by this age.

And that was that.  We filled the prescription, got pizza and made it home by 9.

So the thing I had been stressing over and dreading happened and I made it through.  I can't tell you how many times moving back to Richmond went through my head.  I felt so completely lost and Richmond is just so comfortable.  I know what to do, I know where to go.  I don't have that confidence here.  I'm always worried I'm doing something wrong...at my job, during my commute, with the kids...but I figured it out.

It kind of turned a bad day into a better day.  So maybe this whole move will not beat me, maybe I'll still come out on top.  For the last three weeks I have not felt that way, I've felt the exact opposite.  I guess that's how it happens, little victory by little accomplishment until you forget that you were once the new girl.  I just hate being the new girl.