Recently my in-laws moved out of their house that they've lived in for years. This meant that Clif and I had to find a home for all the stuff we were storing there. I came across a box that contained writing from high school. All fiction. You guys? I was really good at it. I mean, I was totally impressed with my 17 year old self! It was all a bit dark and angst ridden, but I was a moody teenager.
I had forgotten how much I loved it. This then prompted me to find some of my college stuff. Which led to 22-year-old Jaime stuff.
Anyway, long story short, I was yearning to dive back into it. So I did. So on the days that I would normally get an urge to post on here, I wrote a fiction piece. None of them are done. They're all just snippets. So today, I'm going to share something with you. But first...
THIS IS FICTION!!!!
Everything else I've ever posted on here has been absolutely true to the best of my knowledge and/or memory. My point of view. This is NOT true...fiction. I just want that to be crystal clear so I don't get any worried phone calls or concerned emails.
I would welcome any constructive criticism. I hope you enjoy it...
The memory is always the same, because how can a memory change? A memory is. There are no questions. Different people may remember it differently, but to you, in the crevices of your mind, the memory stays exactly as it always was.
The memory comes in a dream, but it always seems to veer off course. There is always some plot line that emerges that wasn’t there in 1982.
It’s raining. Storming. The thunder wakes me and as the next lightning bolt slices through the sky, my room lights up and my mother is standing over me whispering to be quiet. I can't be sure if she's real. My mind has been yanked from unconsciousness and I can't tell what actually hovers over me and what remains from sleep. The outline of her appears with the lightning and disappears just as quickly.
She picks me up, slips down the stairs and out the door. She runs and my chin bobs on her shoulder. I see the rectangle of light flowing out of the darkness where she left the door open. I’m soaking wet by the time we slip into the car. She tells me to lie down and she speeds off as another flash of lightning and boom of thunder disrupt the rhythm of the rain.
Sometimes Andy is with us, running behind to catch up. Other times I see him standing in the rectangle of yellow light, crying for us. Still others I just hear him screaming for us to come back. Once my mother carried both of us and when I looked over, he was just gone. That's the dream's doing. My mind's way of making sense. In reality, Andy was never there. He had drowned in the creek the summer before and I was left as an only child. One child to a mother and father conditioned to parent twins. Single in a world where I had never been alone, not even during my first breath.
My dreams always put him there, because how can I exist without him? We were meant to be a pair and when he was gone, so was I.
I always wake when Andy disappears. Right on cue. I notice he's gone and my eyes pop open like I was never even sleeping. As if my subconscious won’t believe he’s gone. The memory exists, but refuses to finish it's playback. I can remember what happens. That my mother and I drove off, through the night, all night until we were four states away and passing under the neon lights of a dingy motel. But my dream never gets that far. My dreams belong with Andy...our dreams. They can't move forward without him. And without a dream, what could I possibly become?