Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Separation Anxiety

You know how everyone tells you that little boys are awesome for their mommies?  That they are cuddly and sweet and love their mommies first and foremost?  So life as a mommy is not complete without a little boy to cuddle and love on?

Well, that is not totally true in my case.  Freddie is pretty sweet.  And when he is very tired or sick he will cuddle for a minute.  But really, I got my cuddly little lovey in Ainsley.  She loves to be held and hugged and touched and loved on.  Freddie is independent.  Ainsley, not so much.

I don't think Freddie has every really had an issue with separation anxiety.  I mean, there are times he's cried when I've left him at daycare and he is a bit shy around strangers...but ongoing, long term anxiety?  No. 

Ainsley on the other hand...Ainsley is her mama's girl through and through.  It is ego boosting and nice to be the light of some one's life.  To be the one person that a little girl wants to do everything with.  I do love it.

However, it can cause...issues.

It is dance recital time all over the world.  This is our week.  We had blocking on Sunday, dress rehearsal last night, and the performance is Saturday.

Blocking went very, very badly.  My sweet girl, who is usually very outgoing and loves attention would not get on stage.  She was coerced with Starbucks scones, but then she cried so much that she had to be removed from stage.  She watched her class dance from the sidelines.  The week before, in her last class, she wouldn't leave my side.  The teacher managed to get her dancing for a few minutes, but basically she was in my lap.

This sent me into a panic.  How could this happen?  My energetic, boisterous little girl was petrified to be separated from me.  How would I drop her off for dress rehearsal?  How would I detach her for the performance?  A time when she'd have to be away from me for 3 hours or more?  A time when people had paid for tickets and were traveling long distances to see her dance for 3 minutes?  Would she do it?  Would she get on stage and do her dance that she's so amazing at?

I spent all day yesterday in an anxiety ridden fog.  I thought about it all day.  I literally did no work.  My neck is still sore from the tension I was feeling

The time came and I picked her up from daycare, drove to the auditorium, and did her hair and makeup.  Clif was going to meet us to take her to the drop off room.  We thought it might go better with him.  But I was a mess.  I was on the verge of tears all evening.  I snapped at Freddie a few times.  I was sweating like I was on a treadmill.

I just wanted to see her on stage.  I was sure she was in the prep room bawling her little eyes out and refusing to go on stage.  Although, I knew I hadn't abandoned her, what kind of story was her wild, almost 5 year old mind spinning?

Know what?

She was fine.  Totally fine.  More than fine.  She did her thang on stage better than I've ever seen her do it.

So I ask you...who has the separation anxiety?  Me or her.  Hmmm....

(She's the first on the right in the back row.)
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