There have been times when he's left that I sit and cry with the weight of the coming week. Worried about how I'll get it all done and still be standing when he returns on Friday. There have been times that I've waited for him to leave so I could accomplish something, not wanting to clean out closets or run errands while we're having limited family time. There have been times that I've been so busy when he leaves and I continue to be so busy through the week, that he's back before I have time to miss him.
This time felt a bit different. His leaving signaled the beginning of the end. This starts the last week we'll live separately, my last week at my current job, the kids' last week at daycare, our last week in our house, our last week in Richmond.
I think my emotions are confused right now. On one hand, I'm kind of relieved that this will be my last week alone. It hasn't always been easy and I have a new found, deep respect for single mothers out there. I've had a small glimpse of their struggles, and I'm very impressed with anyone who does this long term, 24/7.
On the other hand, this event that I've been dreading for so long is now just a few days away. I'm just not sure how I'm actually going to come out on the other side of this. I know I'll handle it, whether I like it or not. I have to. But I just wonder...will I be content or satisfied or happy? Or will I allow this horrible knot in the pit of my stomach to stay and take up permanent residence?
I don't want to be bitter or resentful about my life. It's really not a good way to live, so I'm really aiming for the former. So this week, I know I'm going to be feeling sappy and sad and sorry for myself. It's probably going to come out a lot here. Just know that I know how bad it sounds. My hope is that in a few weeks, or months, or whenever, I'll be able to look back and see this inner struggle and say "It's okay. We did make the right decision and I am happy."
Fingers crossed.
