Ainsley 2.0

So, Cohen...he doesn't sleep.  At least not well.  He is Ainsley all over again.  Actually, if I must be completely honest...he is WAY worse than Ainsley.  Ainsley, at least, would sleep in my bed.  Cohen will sleep if he is nursing and only if he is nursing.

We've had a bad few weeks.  Actually, it's been pretty bad since the day I went back to work.  Before that day, he was sleeping through the night.  Then I went back to work and he stopped.  He stopped so HARD.

But guess what?  I'm not going to complain.  I could probably publish a book with all the blog posts I wrote about Ainsley not sleeping.

I'm not going to complain because he's my baby and even though last night while I was in his room for 2 hours, only to have him fall asleep for 45 minutes and then be in bed with me again, I googled sleep techniques on my phone and was so tempted by CIO.  So. Very. Tempted.

I can't.  I can't do it.  You can tell me it won't affect them, you can tell me he'll be fine, you can tell me he won't remember - and I believe you.  But all I can think is that in that exact moment when he's screaming and crying and thrashing he's thinking "Where did my mom go?" and "Is she ever coming back?"  I know, over dramatic, but I can't help it.

Once again, I'm super conflicted about this issue.  See apparently when it comes down to the nitty gritty of parenting - potty training, sleep training - I suck.  I suck so bad.  So what's the right thing?  I have no idea.  But what I do know is that I read a blog this morning.  This line...

"He knew that if he kept himself very, very close to my body all night and every night until forever, he would stay safe, and nourished, he would sleep deeply and he would grow."

And it made me smile. I didn't even finish reading.  That was the message I needed to take away.

I know I will still have nights that I want to scream and I will want to walk out the door and let him scream.  I will still wonder what in the hell I'm doing to make my children not sleep.  I will be in awe of anyone who can get a baby to sleep through the night.  But I'm going to remember this.  Because this perfectly sums up how he must feel.  To be someone's mom is to be someone's everything, if only for a short, tiny, sparse amount of time.  Right now, I am his everything, and I can live with that.

He knew that if he kept himself very, very close to my body all night and every night until forever, he would stay safe, and nourished, he would sleep deeply and he would grow. - See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/sleeping-on-his-own/#sthash.xHaLauP6.dpuf

He knew that if he kept himself very, very close to my body all night and every night until forever, he would stay safe, and nourished, he would sleep deeply and he would grow. - See more at: http://www.scarymommy.com/sleeping-on-his-own/#sthash.xHaLauP6.dpuf