Friday, March 15, 2013

Four Years Ago...

...I was preparing to host a whole slew of people at my house.  My brother-in-law had just gotten engaged.  All of my in-laws, plus my soon to be sister-in-law's family were all meeting at my house for a bit of a celebration weekend.  Plus my sister and her then boyfriend, now husband, were coming.

And I had just had the miscarriage.

We had been looking forward to that weekend.  We knew Cameron was proposing the week before and we were so excited to have everyone there.  But then this huge tragedy happened - I mean, at the time it felt tragic, it was definitely one of my worst moments - and all I really wanted was to lay on the couch all weekend watching sad movies.

It's hard to believe it's been four years.  I was just talking with someone recently and I said it happened 2 years ago.  I stopped and said "Wait, no...4 years, 4 years ago." And I was astounded.  Four years?  It seems so much closer than that, because sometimes it still hurts.

Weird thing is, I had Freddie exactly one year later.  And I wouldn't trade him for the whole I guess the universe and mother nature knew what they were doing.  I really can't imagine a world without Freddie in it.  In fact, my eyes get all teary just thinking about it.

I remember, how painful those first few months after it happened were.  How angry I was.  How nothing seemed to make sense.  People said the worst things.  I don't blame them.  I mean, if you've never experienced it, what do you say?  You say things like "Well at least you never felt it move," or "Everything happens for a reason," "Lucky for you it was so early," or "You already have Ainsley," or "You'll have another baby," and my personal favorite..."God has a plan."  God has a plan.  I have to say that nothing makes a person feel crappier during a low point than hearing that.  Because in my not so stable, still a bit hormonal mind that said - So God's plan is to make me miserable?  Why?  What did I do to deserve his wrath?  What about my plan?

However, there were a few people who got it.  Those ladies cried with me and understood all of my crazy emotions.  They listened to me go on and on and didn't think I was crazy when I said "Screw God's plan."  Because they had been through it.  So they knew.  They knew how it felt to soar with the knowledge that you were pregnant and then be pulled, crashing down to the ground, with the realization that you suddenly weren't.

Recently I found out that someone I care for quite a bit had a miscarriage.  I was very tempted to say all those dumb things people say, because in that moment, you just want them to feel better.  And having got to the other side, I know that some of them are true.  Instead, I held my tongue and just listened.  And then I told her that she wasn't crazy, that it was okay to have these feelings, that they wouldn't go away overnight...but eventually, they will subside.  That one day, you'll have your babies and it will all make sense even though there's no way to possibly see that now.  And every year around the due date or around the miscarry date, you'll get a little sad...a little reflective...and maybe feel the need to write a blog post about it.  But then the rest of the year, life will move on just as it always has.

So in that darkness, this is my light.  This is the "Why me?"  I doubt I made her feel better, but I hope I didn't make her feel worse.
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