Thursday, December 3, 2015

Reasons the Two Year Old is Pissed

Ahh 2 year olds.  There's really nothing like them.  Combustible dynamite in a cute, little, baby package.  If someone could figure out how to weaponize two year olds, that person would rule the world.  They are irresistible in their cuteness and lovableness.  Yet, flip that switch and they are like wild banchees, running around naked, screaming injustice, beating on whatever thing or being stands in their way.  Then suddenly, back to the sweet, little cherub you know and love.  Two year olds run this world.  I bet most world leaders have a two year old that they end up running around, waiting on, trying to suppress the madness.

Cohen is a rare species of two year old. He doesn't get mad, he gets pissed.  Like instantly, and kid can hold a grudge.  And the things that set him off are just, well, ridiculous.

So as a warning to all of you out there who hope to get in the Co-man's good graces.  Here are the top 10 things that will PISS HIM OFF.  Beware.

Legal notice from Cohen: This list is in no way all encompassing.  The two year old is allowed, and should be expected, to lose his shit whenever he sees fit.  Just because something was okay yesterday, does not make it okay today.

1 - Putting his shoes on the correct feet on Wednesdays.  Twice now, when I've gotten the kids off to school, Cohen has lost his mind because I would not put the left shoe on the right foot and vice versa.

2 - Making him open his advent calendar in order.  I need to be sure that on the 5th of December we go back and open the 2nd of December...all because Santa's glove happened to be the picture in the 5th of December box.  Know what?  The effing chocolate wasn't even a glove, it was a Christmas tree...which pissed him off even more.

3 - I will not pour an entire box of cereal into his bowl.  He will kick, scream, throw, bawl when I refuse to open a regular box of cereal and not pour "allamen" into his little green bowl.  Eventually, hunger wins out in this scenario.  But whimpering will ensue between bites, because obviously the world is ending.

4 - No more green lollipops.  Cohen loves lollipops.  He asks for them constantly.  And he wants green ones.  But when you think about a bag of Dum-Dums, there are 4 different green wrapped lollipops: lemon-lime, pineapple, green apple, and watermelon.  He prefers green apple, because not only is it wrapped in green, the actual lollipop is green.  Since a bag of Dum-Dums has about 473 mystery flavored pops, that leaves only a few of the other flavors. When the green apple are gone, just buy a new bag.  Other colors are out to murder two year olds.  And those pretending to be green?  Lemon-lime, pineapple, watermelon - I'm looking at you.  Well those are the worst of all, they're traitors.

5 - I won't put on his "ice-skating-shoes" at bedtime.  Last night, 30 minutes after bedtime, Cohen decided that some shoes he owns are "ice-skating-shoes" and he needed to wear them.  I refused, because it was bedtime.  He cried for a solid 30 minutes and refused to move from the bottom step.

6 - Providing dinner in lieu of snacks.  Cohen "na yike dinner, mi yike nacks."  Snacks are way better than dinner and if you force dinner and deny snacks, you are satan's spawn and deserve to be destroyed.  Don't even talk about dessert.  Dessert is a given and if you take dessert away...well, we can't even talk about that.  The scars are too fresh.

7 - Wiping his hands with a napkin instead of letting him wash them in the bathroom sink.  After dinner, we make the older kids wash their hands and faces in the bathroom.  Cohen mostly gets wiped down because he's a disaster - when he eats, see #6 - but sometimes we'll let him wash up in the bathroom as well.  Make sure you read his mind though, because you'll never know which he actually wants otherwise.  That is until he's a crumbled mess on the kitchen floor, wailing for days.  Well, and then it's just too late and you've ruined everyone's life.

8 - Not allowing him to sit in Freddie's booster seat.  Cohen thinks he's as big as his siblings.  He won't sit in a highchair.  He hasn't worn a bib since he could pull it off.  He refuses to use sippy cups.  Car seats are no different.  He knows that he's not in the same type of seat as his big brother, and that is totally unacceptable and you are discriminating against him for his height.

9 - Helping him do anything he wants to do himself but doesn't have the physical ability to accomplish. Examples, unlocking the front door with a key.  Getting the mail.  Brushing his teeth. Turning on the water in the sink.  Turning off the water in the sink.  Unloading the dishwasher.  Checking dinner in the oven.  Stirring a boiling pot on the stove.  Buckling his carseat.  Zipping his coat.  

10 - Anyone but mommy doing anything for him.  Mommy must do everything, from wiping the bottom to providing water cups.  No one else must attempt to help Cohen or they will be met with a loud and resounding "NOOOOO, MOMMY DO IT!!!!!!"  Mommy is the only one who can be trusted with such delicate matters.

Two year olds have to be cute.  Have to be!  Would anyone deal with this from anyone but a two year old?  But we do deal, because they say things like "Mama, it's Bissmas time," and "Mama, zippidy do da my dacket," and "Dat a dood idea," and "let me-me see," and "Mama, I sow you."  And how can that even, ever be resisted?  It can't.  Absolutely can not be.  So he can spend 20 minutes naked in my room at 10 pm, screaming because I wouldn't let him bring cheese to bed with him - but all he has to do is say "Mama, I seep wit you?" and all is forgiven.

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