Yesterday, I was taking my normal lunchtime stroll. As I entered a small park, it began to rain a bit. I was wearing a long maxi dress with a black cardigan. I bought the dress last summer. I saw it and loved it and it was on sale. It was the end of the summer. I got it home and it didn't fit great, so I wore it with spanx and only when I was feeling a bit more slender. I haven't worn it since September, but yesterday I pulled it out to try it.
It fit great. I was excited. When you're trying to loose weight and the scale is not moving as fast as you'd like, it's always nice to feel good in something. And I felt really good as I left the house yesterday.
But back to the park. It was starting to rain, so instead of continuing my walk, I turned and headed back towards my office. An old man sat on a bench and as I approached he spoke to me. I didn't quite hear him, and for some reason I made eye contact. So he repeated himself as I walked past.
"Is that a boy or a girl in there?" He asked. I didn't respond. I felt the shame swell up inside of me and just quickened my pace. Did I really look pregnant? I spent the next three blocks trying to catch a glimpse of my profile in glass buildings and doors. Sucking in my stomach as much as I could.
Then as I stood on the corner waiting for the crosswalk sign, I saw a man stumble across the street. He was almost naked, except for the ripped up daisy duke shorts he was wearing. No shoes, no shirt. His white/blond hair was in dreads. I think he may have been intoxicated. And he had a huge protruding belly. My initial thought was "Maybe the dude on the bench should ask him what he's having." And then I just started laughing. By myself, on the street corner, laughing. Because how ridiculous would it be to ask a man if he were pregnant? And how ridiculous am I for obsessing over something some dude said to me in passing? And how ridiculous was that man for asking a complete stranger such a personal question?
Six months ago, a year ago, most of my lifetime, a comment like that would have sent me into a spiral. I probably would have stopped at the vending machine on the way back to my office and then devoured a couple bags of peanut M n M's and maybe also a Coke for good measure. If everyone was going to think I was pregnant, I might as well just be fat.
Instead, I filled my water bottle, went to my desk and ate my strawberries that were waiting for me. And I texted my husband and told him the funny story, because let's face it...this is my body, pseudo pregnant belly and all.
The fact is, I've never had a nice abdomen. It's always been my trouble spot. It's the first place I put on weight, and the last place it comes off. Even before kids. Throw in three pregnancies and three c-sections...six pack abs are probably not in the cards for me. I know there are women out there who don't have this issue. They have stomachs that snap right back into place. I'm not one of those women. And I think I'm finally okay with that.
I will keep exercising, keep doing my crunches, keep eating right...but I'm probably always going to have this belly. And instead of hating it and wishing it away and crunching it into submission, maybe I should appreciate what it's done for me. It's made three humans. My stomach has cradled and loved and warmed three little eggs until they were big enough and strong enough to make it in the world. That's not nothing. Maybe I should give my poor belly a break and not curse it every time I pass a mirror.
So next time I'm walking through that park, if that man is sitting on that bench, I will go up to him and say "It's actually a girl and two boys. Don't I look amazing?!?!?!"
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Friday, May 1, 2015
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Dear Baby No Name
Okay actually, you have a name...I think. But it's a secret until you show your face.
It's 11:25 and in about 8 hours you will make your grand entrance into the world. You and I will no longer share this space. Starting tomorrow morning you'll be your own little creature.
I won't feel every roll or flutter or hiccup. I won't think about every little thing I put in my mouth. I won't imagine the color of your eyes or the shape of your feet. You'll be here.
It's a little bittersweet, to know that tomorrow you'll begin your journey and that will only lead you away from me. I'm always a bit sad when a phase ends, even if it does involve swollen ankles, horrible sleep, and pelvic pressure.
But...the upside is that I get to meet you and touch your soft skin and kiss your sweet face. I can't wait for that. I wish I could skip over the needles and the cutting and the worry and go right to you snuggled against my chest. That is what makes the rest of it worth it.
So now I'm going to try and sleep. And when I wake we'll start our next phase, together.
Love,
Mommy
Friday, May 31, 2013
Decision Time
Tomorrow I will be 39 weeks pregnant.
That is the most pregnant I have ever been. Ainsley was born via C-Section at 39 weeks due to an incorrect ultrasound saying she would be over 10 pounds and that her abdomen, because of diabetes, was larger than her head. I'm really not sure if that was the case. It wasn't really brought up again.
Freddie was born via C-Section at 38 weeks because of the onset of pre-eclampsia. Although, the more I learn about stuff like that, the more I realize, I don't think I was in any danger. Yes, my blood pressure was up, it was in the 150/90 range. Yes, that's high...but it's not as high as it usually is in pre-eclampsia. Yes, there was protein in my urine...but trace amounts. I know how dangerous pre-eclampsia can be, but I probably could have waited a bit longer.
During both of my previous pregnancies I never showed any signs of labor. I never dialated, barely effaced, the baby never dropped, I never felt one contraction. I was also very uneducated about the birth process. I trusted my doctor.
She's a good doctor. But I do wish I had been more knowledgeable back then. I would have pushed back more, asked more questions, pointed out different things, because she is human. Humans make mistakes. I'm not saying she did. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have ended up with a C-Section either way, but I do wonder. I do believe that she was concerned about my well being in both cases. And I do not look back on either of my childrens' births with regret or trauma. Some women do, and I'm sorry for them because no matter how a child is born, it is a beautiful thing.
But...
Going into this pregnancy, I was fairly convinced I wanted a VBAC. I prepped for this pregnancy. I started reading and learning and asking questions. I learned a lot. I went from the girl who absolutely thought natural childbirth was insane, to completely understanding why women make those decisions. I went from the girl who couldn't believe ANYONE would birth in their home, to being in awe of the women who do.
The year before I got pregnant I lost 20 pounds. I wanted to be as healthy as possible. I wanted to give us the best chance at a VBAC. Once I was pregnant, I continued to be healthy. I knew that if complications started, my already uphill battle would become nearly impossible. And I told myself, if this is a complicated- free pregnancy, I will have a VBAC.
But...
It wasn't.
My blood pressure has been up and down. I have diabetes. The baby is measuring large. The baby's abdomen, even with a second opinion, is measuring larger than his head.
My new doctor? I like her...a lot. She's no bull shit. I've asked her every question I wish I would have asked 6 years ago. And she's answered, very honestly. She told me in 21 years she's only seen one uterine rupture, and it ended fine. In 21 years, she's seen some cases of shoulder dystocia, and even the worst case ended up being okay.
But still, it's out there. These words and phrases just swimming through my mind...Uterine Rupture, Shoulder Dystocia. And the fixes for them...hysterectomy, breaking the pelvis, breaking the baby's clavical, pushing the baby back in and having a C-Section, fetal mortality. These big fears. I have a high risk of both. Now, high risk in both of these cases is under 3%.
But...
What if I'm in that 3%? It doesn't matter if the chance is low. If it happens to you, it's tragic, and its forever.
On the flip side, if I move forward with a third C-Section, there's the chance I'll drop from a blood clot a week later. There's a chance that my internal scarring is bad enough that my decision to have a 4th child or not will not be mine. There's a chance I'll get some horrid infection in the hospital.
This has been weighing on my mind for months. How I want this to go. What my plan is. And now it's decision time.
I've decided to go with my original plan...if I have a complicated-free pregnancy I'll have a VBAC. Unfortunately, I have not had that. So I have scheduled a repeat C-Section. I don't feel great about it, but I didn't feel great about it before I made this decision either. I'm a worrier, the worst possible outcomes are going to consume my thoughts until it's over. I am thankful that I will be the full 40 weeks when it happens. No early deliveries. If I go into labor before then, I will labor and see what happens. So I guess I'm leaving it to the universe to help make this decision. However, I'm showing no signs of labor as of yesterday. But then again, I've never been past 39 weeks, so who knows.
I can't go back and change the past. I can only move forward and make the best possible decision I can with the information I have. I hope I'm doing that.
That is the most pregnant I have ever been. Ainsley was born via C-Section at 39 weeks due to an incorrect ultrasound saying she would be over 10 pounds and that her abdomen, because of diabetes, was larger than her head. I'm really not sure if that was the case. It wasn't really brought up again.
Freddie was born via C-Section at 38 weeks because of the onset of pre-eclampsia. Although, the more I learn about stuff like that, the more I realize, I don't think I was in any danger. Yes, my blood pressure was up, it was in the 150/90 range. Yes, that's high...but it's not as high as it usually is in pre-eclampsia. Yes, there was protein in my urine...but trace amounts. I know how dangerous pre-eclampsia can be, but I probably could have waited a bit longer.
During both of my previous pregnancies I never showed any signs of labor. I never dialated, barely effaced, the baby never dropped, I never felt one contraction. I was also very uneducated about the birth process. I trusted my doctor.
She's a good doctor. But I do wish I had been more knowledgeable back then. I would have pushed back more, asked more questions, pointed out different things, because she is human. Humans make mistakes. I'm not saying she did. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have ended up with a C-Section either way, but I do wonder. I do believe that she was concerned about my well being in both cases. And I do not look back on either of my childrens' births with regret or trauma. Some women do, and I'm sorry for them because no matter how a child is born, it is a beautiful thing.
But...
Going into this pregnancy, I was fairly convinced I wanted a VBAC. I prepped for this pregnancy. I started reading and learning and asking questions. I learned a lot. I went from the girl who absolutely thought natural childbirth was insane, to completely understanding why women make those decisions. I went from the girl who couldn't believe ANYONE would birth in their home, to being in awe of the women who do.
The year before I got pregnant I lost 20 pounds. I wanted to be as healthy as possible. I wanted to give us the best chance at a VBAC. Once I was pregnant, I continued to be healthy. I knew that if complications started, my already uphill battle would become nearly impossible. And I told myself, if this is a complicated- free pregnancy, I will have a VBAC.
But...
It wasn't.
My blood pressure has been up and down. I have diabetes. The baby is measuring large. The baby's abdomen, even with a second opinion, is measuring larger than his head.
My new doctor? I like her...a lot. She's no bull shit. I've asked her every question I wish I would have asked 6 years ago. And she's answered, very honestly. She told me in 21 years she's only seen one uterine rupture, and it ended fine. In 21 years, she's seen some cases of shoulder dystocia, and even the worst case ended up being okay.
But still, it's out there. These words and phrases just swimming through my mind...Uterine Rupture, Shoulder Dystocia. And the fixes for them...hysterectomy, breaking the pelvis, breaking the baby's clavical, pushing the baby back in and having a C-Section, fetal mortality. These big fears. I have a high risk of both. Now, high risk in both of these cases is under 3%.
But...
What if I'm in that 3%? It doesn't matter if the chance is low. If it happens to you, it's tragic, and its forever.
On the flip side, if I move forward with a third C-Section, there's the chance I'll drop from a blood clot a week later. There's a chance that my internal scarring is bad enough that my decision to have a 4th child or not will not be mine. There's a chance I'll get some horrid infection in the hospital.
This has been weighing on my mind for months. How I want this to go. What my plan is. And now it's decision time.
I've decided to go with my original plan...if I have a complicated-free pregnancy I'll have a VBAC. Unfortunately, I have not had that. So I have scheduled a repeat C-Section. I don't feel great about it, but I didn't feel great about it before I made this decision either. I'm a worrier, the worst possible outcomes are going to consume my thoughts until it's over. I am thankful that I will be the full 40 weeks when it happens. No early deliveries. If I go into labor before then, I will labor and see what happens. So I guess I'm leaving it to the universe to help make this decision. However, I'm showing no signs of labor as of yesterday. But then again, I've never been past 39 weeks, so who knows.
I can't go back and change the past. I can only move forward and make the best possible decision I can with the information I have. I hope I'm doing that.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
I've Hit The Wall
This has been a really good pregnancy. I mean, I have the diabetes, and that sucks because I also have a MAD, CRAZY sweet tooth...anyone else get that with boys? But really, I've felt great through this pregnancy. I've eaten really healthy, I didn't swell much, I ran until I was 6 months, I walk every day, I do yoga when I can. I've felt really, really good.
It started like mine always do, I was sick. But it wasn't as bad as I had it with Freddie. I've missed beer, and sushi, and over-easy eggs. But all-in-all, I really can't complain.
And then BAM!
People, I have hit the wall. I am DONE.
Today I am 37 weeks, 4 days. So I know, I know...I'm close...so I should not complain...but it's my blog, I'll complain if I want to.
I don't sleep anymore. I see almost every hour on the clock.
I'm swelling now. My feet hit the floor in the morning and I can feel the fluid just rushing to them. And they HURT.
The heat is killing me, and I am a summer person. I hate the winter and snow and cold weather. But seriously if it snowed right now, I'd sit in it on my deck.
I can't get comfortable...not sitting, not standing, not lying, not walking. I feel like my pelvis is going to explode. Some part of this child's body is grinding my right hip bone.
Working is tough. Sitting at my desk makes me swell more, and I'm so tired I can barely focus my attention on anything.
I have to pee every single time - and I'm not exaggerating - I stand up.
And all I want to do is lie on the couch and eat a VAT of ice cream. With hot fudge...Clif - DO NOT FORGET the hot fudge when I'm in the hospital!!!
So that's where I am. I have not felt like blogging. I have not felt like doing anything with anyone in order to blog about it. All I think about is being done, and then I think...
...that's sad, because what if this is it? What if this is the last time I feel little kicks and rolls and hiccups? What if this is the last time I wear my favorite maternity outfit? What if it's the last time my kids hug my belly and tell me they love their baby brother? The last time I pick someone's name (which we have not done, by the way!!!)?
And then I feel like I can manage a bit longer. So I'll be here...managing.
It started like mine always do, I was sick. But it wasn't as bad as I had it with Freddie. I've missed beer, and sushi, and over-easy eggs. But all-in-all, I really can't complain.
And then BAM!
People, I have hit the wall. I am DONE.
Today I am 37 weeks, 4 days. So I know, I know...I'm close...so I should not complain...but it's my blog, I'll complain if I want to.
I don't sleep anymore. I see almost every hour on the clock.
I'm swelling now. My feet hit the floor in the morning and I can feel the fluid just rushing to them. And they HURT.
The heat is killing me, and I am a summer person. I hate the winter and snow and cold weather. But seriously if it snowed right now, I'd sit in it on my deck.
I can't get comfortable...not sitting, not standing, not lying, not walking. I feel like my pelvis is going to explode. Some part of this child's body is grinding my right hip bone.
Working is tough. Sitting at my desk makes me swell more, and I'm so tired I can barely focus my attention on anything.
I have to pee every single time - and I'm not exaggerating - I stand up.
And all I want to do is lie on the couch and eat a VAT of ice cream. With hot fudge...Clif - DO NOT FORGET the hot fudge when I'm in the hospital!!!
So that's where I am. I have not felt like blogging. I have not felt like doing anything with anyone in order to blog about it. All I think about is being done, and then I think...
...that's sad, because what if this is it? What if this is the last time I feel little kicks and rolls and hiccups? What if this is the last time I wear my favorite maternity outfit? What if it's the last time my kids hug my belly and tell me they love their baby brother? The last time I pick someone's name (which we have not done, by the way!!!)?
And then I feel like I can manage a bit longer. So I'll be here...managing.
Monday, May 6, 2013
Re-evaluating
I've been feeling a lot of stress lately. Stress over schedules and finances and baby and health.
I mean, I've done close to nothing to prepare for this baby. I will say, with a third kid there's not a ton to be done. I've got mostly everything covered. There are no showers to register or prepare for. There's no crib to buy and put together. There's no nursery to pour over and set up. But still, to think he'll be here in 5-ish weeks? Scary thought.
A part of me is so excited and another part just wants him to stay put a little longer. I know the sooner he gets here, the sooner I'll be headed back to work and then figuring out the schedule of three kids in three locations with two working parents? Holy hell, it makes my head spin. I'm not even going to touch on the expense of it. That is a number I don't like to think about.
Then there's the diabetes that I'm trying desperately to control. It's going okay. But I do have off moments. Like when the office throws a "shower" for me and there's cake. Even the smallest sliver of a piece sends my numbers over the top.
Oh and then there's also the ultrasound I just had where the doctor tells me the baby is currently 7 lbs. Do you know that a baby gains about 1/2 a pound a week at this point? That puts him around 9.5 lbs at birth. Now, how much stock to I put in this estimate? Not a ton. The same was said about Ainsley and she was born at about 7.5 lbs. But they were pretty close with Freddie's estimate. And even though I'm smaller than I was with Freddie, I've gained half the weight I did with Freddie...I definitely feel like little man is bigger than Ainsley. He's filling my abdomen.
Finally, there's the delivery. I've wanted to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Starting out I figured I'd do it if there were no complications. Well, there are complications (diabetes, possible large baby, and not the most supportive area for it).
So in the last week, I've been re-evaluating my life. The stress is weighing me down and keeping me up at night. I've decided I have to let some of it go. I'm shelving the finance and schedule aspect of my stress. There's not a thing I can do about it right now. In a few months, Clif and I will need to make decisions. Maybe I don't go back to work, maybe I find a part time job, maybe we move away from the area. I don't know yet, but all those things are things that can't be acted upon today, or this week, or this month. Right now, I've got to focus on keeping myself healthy and bringing this baby into the world.
I've got to let go of the ultrasound findings. I can't put the fetus on a diet. If he's big, he's big. I've been extremely healthy and active this pregnancy. I've done everything I could to bake him properly. If that means he's a 10 pounder, then so be it.
That leaves delivery, which of late has been causing me the most stress. My doctor is on the fence about a VBAC. This week I'll need to talk to her again about it...which is causing me stress. I really hate any kind of conversation with any doctor. I hate going to the doctor. My blood pressure will be high, she'll probably test me for pre-eclampsia...again. Even though, I know what actual high blood pressure feels like. I know what it actually feels like to be on the verge of slipping into pre-eclampsia. This ain't it. This is just your run of the mill anxiety.
Over the last few days I've been thinking about what I really want out of this delivery. I've realized something. I'm not really set on a VBAC. I'm not one of these people who thinks I absolutely need to push a baby out of my body in order to be a woman. A VBAC scares me as much as a 3rd C-section. I've tried to read up on natural childbirth and VBAC...and I think I've gained a lot of knowledge...but it's just not something I'm super interested in. I have a lot of friends who are. Who are very into it and love it and have passion about it and I think they're awesome for it. But it's not me.
I've realized that my biggest concern is being told I have to have him early. I don't want to have him early. I want him to come when he's ready. Because of the signs of pre-eclampsia I showed with Freddie, he was delivered by c-section at 38 weeks. I showed no signs of labor. If Freddie gets a cold, he wheezes. He's been diagnosed with Restrictive Airway Disease. Which basically means asthma but they won't diagnose a kid with asthma until after they're 5 because so many grow out of it. Although he's much better than he once was, we've had some scary moments with it. The lungs are the last thing to develop in the womb, so I've always wondered...maybe, if he had stayed a bit longer...maybe he wouldn't have this issue.
I know it's a what if, but as a mom, you can't help but go there.
So I've revised what my conversation will be like with the doctor. I'm not set on a VBAC, but I don't want to schedule anything, and unless there is some life threatening reason, I'm not bringing him early. Women have been doing this for a gazillion years. Our bodies know what to do. The babies know what to do. He'll let us know when he's ready.
Now, I can just stress over my water breaking at work...
I mean, I've done close to nothing to prepare for this baby. I will say, with a third kid there's not a ton to be done. I've got mostly everything covered. There are no showers to register or prepare for. There's no crib to buy and put together. There's no nursery to pour over and set up. But still, to think he'll be here in 5-ish weeks? Scary thought.
A part of me is so excited and another part just wants him to stay put a little longer. I know the sooner he gets here, the sooner I'll be headed back to work and then figuring out the schedule of three kids in three locations with two working parents? Holy hell, it makes my head spin. I'm not even going to touch on the expense of it. That is a number I don't like to think about.
Then there's the diabetes that I'm trying desperately to control. It's going okay. But I do have off moments. Like when the office throws a "shower" for me and there's cake. Even the smallest sliver of a piece sends my numbers over the top.
Oh and then there's also the ultrasound I just had where the doctor tells me the baby is currently 7 lbs. Do you know that a baby gains about 1/2 a pound a week at this point? That puts him around 9.5 lbs at birth. Now, how much stock to I put in this estimate? Not a ton. The same was said about Ainsley and she was born at about 7.5 lbs. But they were pretty close with Freddie's estimate. And even though I'm smaller than I was with Freddie, I've gained half the weight I did with Freddie...I definitely feel like little man is bigger than Ainsley. He's filling my abdomen.
Finally, there's the delivery. I've wanted to try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Starting out I figured I'd do it if there were no complications. Well, there are complications (diabetes, possible large baby, and not the most supportive area for it).
So in the last week, I've been re-evaluating my life. The stress is weighing me down and keeping me up at night. I've decided I have to let some of it go. I'm shelving the finance and schedule aspect of my stress. There's not a thing I can do about it right now. In a few months, Clif and I will need to make decisions. Maybe I don't go back to work, maybe I find a part time job, maybe we move away from the area. I don't know yet, but all those things are things that can't be acted upon today, or this week, or this month. Right now, I've got to focus on keeping myself healthy and bringing this baby into the world.
I've got to let go of the ultrasound findings. I can't put the fetus on a diet. If he's big, he's big. I've been extremely healthy and active this pregnancy. I've done everything I could to bake him properly. If that means he's a 10 pounder, then so be it.
That leaves delivery, which of late has been causing me the most stress. My doctor is on the fence about a VBAC. This week I'll need to talk to her again about it...which is causing me stress. I really hate any kind of conversation with any doctor. I hate going to the doctor. My blood pressure will be high, she'll probably test me for pre-eclampsia...again. Even though, I know what actual high blood pressure feels like. I know what it actually feels like to be on the verge of slipping into pre-eclampsia. This ain't it. This is just your run of the mill anxiety.
Over the last few days I've been thinking about what I really want out of this delivery. I've realized something. I'm not really set on a VBAC. I'm not one of these people who thinks I absolutely need to push a baby out of my body in order to be a woman. A VBAC scares me as much as a 3rd C-section. I've tried to read up on natural childbirth and VBAC...and I think I've gained a lot of knowledge...but it's just not something I'm super interested in. I have a lot of friends who are. Who are very into it and love it and have passion about it and I think they're awesome for it. But it's not me.
I've realized that my biggest concern is being told I have to have him early. I don't want to have him early. I want him to come when he's ready. Because of the signs of pre-eclampsia I showed with Freddie, he was delivered by c-section at 38 weeks. I showed no signs of labor. If Freddie gets a cold, he wheezes. He's been diagnosed with Restrictive Airway Disease. Which basically means asthma but they won't diagnose a kid with asthma until after they're 5 because so many grow out of it. Although he's much better than he once was, we've had some scary moments with it. The lungs are the last thing to develop in the womb, so I've always wondered...maybe, if he had stayed a bit longer...maybe he wouldn't have this issue.
I know it's a what if, but as a mom, you can't help but go there.
So I've revised what my conversation will be like with the doctor. I'm not set on a VBAC, but I don't want to schedule anything, and unless there is some life threatening reason, I'm not bringing him early. Women have been doing this for a gazillion years. Our bodies know what to do. The babies know what to do. He'll let us know when he's ready.
Now, I can just stress over my water breaking at work...
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Today
I have an issue with all the doctors I've seen in this area. They are all so stand-offish and hands off. I have seen so many doctors and nurses and lab techs during this pregnancy, that I can't even count them all. And as far as I can tell, none of them talk to each other. If I bring something up with one, I'm pushed off to another.
Now, my OB is not bad. I think I like her. But I had to meet with the other doctors in her practice, and I have to say, I'm not a big fan of any of them. Still, anytime I need an ultrasound, blood work, whatever...I'm sent elsewhere to get it done. They don't draw blood in the office, they don't do ultrasounds, nothing.
The doctor I had for years before I got pregnant and through both my pregnancies in Richmond did everything in her office. And when I had diabetes with Ainsley, they walked me through everything. Set up appointments for me and she was my main contact. She had answers for my questions, talked to my Endocrinologist, was in the same office as the high risk OB, etc. She was involved.
Well, I have diabetes again and this time? It's a nightmare. It's been weeks since I found out and my sugar numbers are all over the board. Yet no one seems that concerned. I'm 33 weeks this Saturday and I'm not being pushed to do anything about it. I'm just told what I should do and written a few referrals. Oh and, my doctor's office didn't even call me to tell me I failed the test...either time. I had to ask.
Today, I'm going to see an Endocrinologist who has come highly recommended. One that I chose. I'm really hoping she can help me. Because right now if I eat the diet that has been laid out for me, my sugar is high just about every time. But if I don't eat that diet, the people at the Diabetes Center tell me I'm putting myself and the baby at risk. They're making me test for keytones in my urine, which if present means you're burning fat instead of carbohydrates. You lose weight...which I have, and not really what you want during pregnancy. My keytone count is always large. But from what I read, if you're not producing enough insulin to push the carbs into your cells...it doesn't matter. And guess what? Diabetics don't produce enough insulin to push carbs into cells...so keytone issues.
Anyway, they have me freaking out about this keytone thing, even though with Ainsley I never tested for them. In fact, I didn't even know what they were talking about when they brought it up.
So I'm really hoping this doctor has a good answer for me. A balance of what to eat and what not to eat that is clear. Because right now it's just all confusing and stressful. Right now I'm bouncing back and forth between visions of a giant 12 pound baby and a tiny, underfed baby.
Fingers crossed we can get it all worked out before little man makes his grand entrance.
Now, my OB is not bad. I think I like her. But I had to meet with the other doctors in her practice, and I have to say, I'm not a big fan of any of them. Still, anytime I need an ultrasound, blood work, whatever...I'm sent elsewhere to get it done. They don't draw blood in the office, they don't do ultrasounds, nothing.
The doctor I had for years before I got pregnant and through both my pregnancies in Richmond did everything in her office. And when I had diabetes with Ainsley, they walked me through everything. Set up appointments for me and she was my main contact. She had answers for my questions, talked to my Endocrinologist, was in the same office as the high risk OB, etc. She was involved.
Well, I have diabetes again and this time? It's a nightmare. It's been weeks since I found out and my sugar numbers are all over the board. Yet no one seems that concerned. I'm 33 weeks this Saturday and I'm not being pushed to do anything about it. I'm just told what I should do and written a few referrals. Oh and, my doctor's office didn't even call me to tell me I failed the test...either time. I had to ask.
Today, I'm going to see an Endocrinologist who has come highly recommended. One that I chose. I'm really hoping she can help me. Because right now if I eat the diet that has been laid out for me, my sugar is high just about every time. But if I don't eat that diet, the people at the Diabetes Center tell me I'm putting myself and the baby at risk. They're making me test for keytones in my urine, which if present means you're burning fat instead of carbohydrates. You lose weight...which I have, and not really what you want during pregnancy. My keytone count is always large. But from what I read, if you're not producing enough insulin to push the carbs into your cells...it doesn't matter. And guess what? Diabetics don't produce enough insulin to push carbs into cells...so keytone issues.
Anyway, they have me freaking out about this keytone thing, even though with Ainsley I never tested for them. In fact, I didn't even know what they were talking about when they brought it up.
So I'm really hoping this doctor has a good answer for me. A balance of what to eat and what not to eat that is clear. Because right now it's just all confusing and stressful. Right now I'm bouncing back and forth between visions of a giant 12 pound baby and a tiny, underfed baby.
Fingers crossed we can get it all worked out before little man makes his grand entrance.
Monday, March 4, 2013
The Good and the Bad
Like most things in life, with pregnancy comes both good and bad things. I know that some people have horrid pregnancies, with cracked pelvises and barfing until the water breaks. I also know that some people breeze through pregnancy with barely a symptom. I fall in the middle. I think most people do. I've had my ups and downs with pregnancy. I thought I'd put together a list of little known pregnancy pros and cons. I know quite a few people right now trying to get pregnant or recently pregnant with their first. This is all from my perspective, but maybe this will give you some insight on what to expect...for real...
The Good...
1 - Hair
If you have long hair like me, you despise the bathroom hair. I can clean the bathroom and still find long strands of my hair clinging to the faucet or piled in the corner of the room. Clif also hates it. When you're pregnant, you stop losing your hair. The bathroom stays much cleaner. Also, for two of my three pregnancies my leg hair has stopped growing. Yes, you read that right. No shaving. Well, not no shaving but we'll get to that later. I can't really explain it, but really I only shave my legs maybe once a month at this point and even when I do, there's barely anything to shave. It is pure awesomness.
2 - Appetite
I have a big appetite, even when I'm not pregnant. If I let it happen, I can eat a whole pizza or a whole box of macaroni and cheese by myself. When I'm pregnant, I have trouble stopping myself. But see, no one cares when you're pregnant. You can go back for seconds...or thirds...and everyone will just say "She's eating for two." Which by the way, you are not, so don't overdo it. That's more of my own little mantra than a warning.
3 - Clothes
Can you imagine going through life never having to lie down on the bed to zip your skinny jeans because you ate too much the night before? Well guess what...no zippers in maternity clothes! Maternity clothes are stretchy and comfy and awesome! And now, they're cute too. Even in the 6 years since I started having kids they've come a long way. Ann Taylor sells maternity clothes for goodness sakes!
4 - The Belly
To follow up with the maternity clothes thing...what if you never had to worry about your muffin top? Guess what, when your belly goes out, muffin top kind of disappears...and anyway, it doesn't matter because your middle section is supposed to be big and stick out over your pants. I have always felt better about my body when I'm pregnant. Not pregnant, I feel the need to focus on all the negatives. Criticize every little bump or curve. But pregnant? I don't have that problem.
5 - Massages
Clif is not really one for massages, apparently that wasn't covered on the pre-marriage application. I'll have to fix that for next time. But, when I'm pregnant, he obviously feels sorry for me so he will rub my shoulders or my ankles or my feet. I take total advantage...don't tell him.
The Bad...
1 - Hair
So yes, the hair has stopped growing on my legs and I really don't lose much hair from my head, however...hair will show up in the strangest of locations. For example, my belly button. When I was pregnant with Ainsley, I had to tweeze the longest, thickest single hair out of my belly button. Seriously? Are there even hair follicles in there? Also, the belly gets a nice fuzz on it. And back to the shaving thing, shaving the bikini line is...the hardest effing thing ever. If you've got this big, solid mass hanging over your lower half, you can't see what you're doing down there. I just have to wing it. I usually step out of the shower looking fairly uneven and patchy.
2 - Feet
Depending on how early you show, just pretty much forget about doing anything with your feet. Putting on shoes can be problematic. Especially boots. Or anything that ties. I recommend slip-ons and ballet flats. Painting your toenails, fairly impossible. Currently when I do it, I have to hold my breath to bend over that far. Washing your feet...kind of dangerous. First balance is not so great, so standing on one foot can be hazardous to your health. Second, getting your foot that high with a big bulge in your belly? Not possible. You get creative.
3 - Heartburn
I know lots of women get heartburn, but seriously - pregnancy heartburn is WICKED!!! I've had varying degrees of heartburn with each of my pregnancies. With Ainsley it was manageable with Tums. With Freddie, I took a prescription medication for it and threw up multiple times just because I laid down and felt the acid shooting up my esophagus. This time it's kind of in between. Tums don't always do the trick, but it's not bad enough to take medication. Only once have I run to the bathroom seconds after lying down thinking I was going to throw up. I didn't. I've also been trying to use more natural remedies...because it's apparently impossible for me to avoid tomato based foods which seems to be my biggest trigger. So I drink a coconut water or take a shot of raw apple cider vinegar. By the way, I love vinegar...like, beyond love. If it has vinegar, I'm eating it. But a shot of raw apple cider vinegar? Holy HELL...it's horrible. I get the spitty mouth just thinking about it. It's so bad. I never have heartburn when I'm not pregnant so I feel really sorry for people who have acid reflex on the regular.
4 - Energy Level
You know how they say the second trimester is all rainbows and unicorns? How you'll have all this energy and you'll just be floating through life? That's total bullshit. I mean, yes. After feeling like dog poo for 13 to 16 weeks, it sure is nice to not want to vomit every moment of every day. It's also really nice to not fall asleep during your Monday morning staff meeting. But in comparison to your regular life, prepregnancy...no, there is no energy reserve. Every ounce of energy you have is being sucked up by your growing fetus. If I go upstairs, I have to lie down for a few minutes before doing whatever it was I was going up there to do. And while lying down I have to do things like tap my cheek or wiggle my legs so I don't fall asleep. I have to rest while sitting down and folding laundry. I can not keep up with my children. I have to hope and pray they don't run into traffic when we're leaving a store or daycare or where ever. I couldn't catch them if I tried. And kind of related is the speed and velocity at which your physical stamina just plummets. In October, when I was 6 or 7 weeks pregnant I ran a half marathon. 13 miles. I have been running ever since, with a slight break during the "want to vomit every moment of every day" period. Now, I can't even run 2. I'm lucky if I can make it 30 minutes without stopping. And if I run at all, it's at a snails pace. I've never been fast, but I was running a solid 9:45 to 10:15 minute mile. Now? I'm happy if I can make it a mile in 13 minutes.
5 - Sleeping
Sleeping is like work during pregnancy. Personally, I have a lot of sleep issues when I'm pregnant. There's the reflux I sometimes get. Then there's also the swollen nasal passages, which causes me to feel stuffed up the moment I lie down. Nothing really helps. I run a humidifier, I prop myself up, I wear breath rite strips with menthol, I'll take a Benadryl. I think it would be worse if I didn't do those things, but nothing helps it completely. Also, my hands fall asleep. If I put any pressure on them at all I wake up with no feeling at all in my hands. You can't sleep on your back...well some people can, and I could during my pregnancy with Ainsley, but can't now. Oh and then there are the leg cramps. Most nights I have to hobble out of bed and do some stretches just to get comfortable again. And the peeing at all hours of the night. So really, I'm up every hour or so with something. If I sleep for 5 solid hours I'm ecstatic! I mean, crazy happy.
6 - Stress
I'm a worrier. I think most people are to some degree when it comes to something they care about. So you know how you get this little idea in your head and it grows and grows until you can't control it anymore and it takes over all logical thought? For instance, your husband's late getting home and suddenly your imagining him dead in a gutter? Or your kids have been quiet so you're sure a terrorist has broken in and kidnapped them. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. So what do you do? You call your husband. You go check on your kids. Yeah, you have those same crazy worried stressed out moments about your unborn child, but no real way to check on things. You can feel him move, but I personally can never make the baby move. You can call your doctor, but you'd be calling every day. So you just try and push those feeling down and move on with your day, but I really don't know anyone who doesn't have them.
So there you have it. You'll have to decide for yourself if the whole pregnancy thing is worth the baby you get in the end. Honestly, I like being pregnant. There are hard parts, but I do like it. It makes me sad thinking that this could be the last time...we'll see.
The Good...
1 - Hair
If you have long hair like me, you despise the bathroom hair. I can clean the bathroom and still find long strands of my hair clinging to the faucet or piled in the corner of the room. Clif also hates it. When you're pregnant, you stop losing your hair. The bathroom stays much cleaner. Also, for two of my three pregnancies my leg hair has stopped growing. Yes, you read that right. No shaving. Well, not no shaving but we'll get to that later. I can't really explain it, but really I only shave my legs maybe once a month at this point and even when I do, there's barely anything to shave. It is pure awesomness.
2 - Appetite
I have a big appetite, even when I'm not pregnant. If I let it happen, I can eat a whole pizza or a whole box of macaroni and cheese by myself. When I'm pregnant, I have trouble stopping myself. But see, no one cares when you're pregnant. You can go back for seconds...or thirds...and everyone will just say "She's eating for two." Which by the way, you are not, so don't overdo it. That's more of my own little mantra than a warning.
3 - Clothes
Can you imagine going through life never having to lie down on the bed to zip your skinny jeans because you ate too much the night before? Well guess what...no zippers in maternity clothes! Maternity clothes are stretchy and comfy and awesome! And now, they're cute too. Even in the 6 years since I started having kids they've come a long way. Ann Taylor sells maternity clothes for goodness sakes!
4 - The Belly
To follow up with the maternity clothes thing...what if you never had to worry about your muffin top? Guess what, when your belly goes out, muffin top kind of disappears...and anyway, it doesn't matter because your middle section is supposed to be big and stick out over your pants. I have always felt better about my body when I'm pregnant. Not pregnant, I feel the need to focus on all the negatives. Criticize every little bump or curve. But pregnant? I don't have that problem.
5 - Massages
Clif is not really one for massages, apparently that wasn't covered on the pre-marriage application. I'll have to fix that for next time. But, when I'm pregnant, he obviously feels sorry for me so he will rub my shoulders or my ankles or my feet. I take total advantage...don't tell him.
The Bad...
1 - Hair
So yes, the hair has stopped growing on my legs and I really don't lose much hair from my head, however...hair will show up in the strangest of locations. For example, my belly button. When I was pregnant with Ainsley, I had to tweeze the longest, thickest single hair out of my belly button. Seriously? Are there even hair follicles in there? Also, the belly gets a nice fuzz on it. And back to the shaving thing, shaving the bikini line is...the hardest effing thing ever. If you've got this big, solid mass hanging over your lower half, you can't see what you're doing down there. I just have to wing it. I usually step out of the shower looking fairly uneven and patchy.
2 - Feet
Depending on how early you show, just pretty much forget about doing anything with your feet. Putting on shoes can be problematic. Especially boots. Or anything that ties. I recommend slip-ons and ballet flats. Painting your toenails, fairly impossible. Currently when I do it, I have to hold my breath to bend over that far. Washing your feet...kind of dangerous. First balance is not so great, so standing on one foot can be hazardous to your health. Second, getting your foot that high with a big bulge in your belly? Not possible. You get creative.
3 - Heartburn
I know lots of women get heartburn, but seriously - pregnancy heartburn is WICKED!!! I've had varying degrees of heartburn with each of my pregnancies. With Ainsley it was manageable with Tums. With Freddie, I took a prescription medication for it and threw up multiple times just because I laid down and felt the acid shooting up my esophagus. This time it's kind of in between. Tums don't always do the trick, but it's not bad enough to take medication. Only once have I run to the bathroom seconds after lying down thinking I was going to throw up. I didn't. I've also been trying to use more natural remedies...because it's apparently impossible for me to avoid tomato based foods which seems to be my biggest trigger. So I drink a coconut water or take a shot of raw apple cider vinegar. By the way, I love vinegar...like, beyond love. If it has vinegar, I'm eating it. But a shot of raw apple cider vinegar? Holy HELL...it's horrible. I get the spitty mouth just thinking about it. It's so bad. I never have heartburn when I'm not pregnant so I feel really sorry for people who have acid reflex on the regular.
4 - Energy Level
You know how they say the second trimester is all rainbows and unicorns? How you'll have all this energy and you'll just be floating through life? That's total bullshit. I mean, yes. After feeling like dog poo for 13 to 16 weeks, it sure is nice to not want to vomit every moment of every day. It's also really nice to not fall asleep during your Monday morning staff meeting. But in comparison to your regular life, prepregnancy...no, there is no energy reserve. Every ounce of energy you have is being sucked up by your growing fetus. If I go upstairs, I have to lie down for a few minutes before doing whatever it was I was going up there to do. And while lying down I have to do things like tap my cheek or wiggle my legs so I don't fall asleep. I have to rest while sitting down and folding laundry. I can not keep up with my children. I have to hope and pray they don't run into traffic when we're leaving a store or daycare or where ever. I couldn't catch them if I tried. And kind of related is the speed and velocity at which your physical stamina just plummets. In October, when I was 6 or 7 weeks pregnant I ran a half marathon. 13 miles. I have been running ever since, with a slight break during the "want to vomit every moment of every day" period. Now, I can't even run 2. I'm lucky if I can make it 30 minutes without stopping. And if I run at all, it's at a snails pace. I've never been fast, but I was running a solid 9:45 to 10:15 minute mile. Now? I'm happy if I can make it a mile in 13 minutes.
5 - Sleeping
Sleeping is like work during pregnancy. Personally, I have a lot of sleep issues when I'm pregnant. There's the reflux I sometimes get. Then there's also the swollen nasal passages, which causes me to feel stuffed up the moment I lie down. Nothing really helps. I run a humidifier, I prop myself up, I wear breath rite strips with menthol, I'll take a Benadryl. I think it would be worse if I didn't do those things, but nothing helps it completely. Also, my hands fall asleep. If I put any pressure on them at all I wake up with no feeling at all in my hands. You can't sleep on your back...well some people can, and I could during my pregnancy with Ainsley, but can't now. Oh and then there are the leg cramps. Most nights I have to hobble out of bed and do some stretches just to get comfortable again. And the peeing at all hours of the night. So really, I'm up every hour or so with something. If I sleep for 5 solid hours I'm ecstatic! I mean, crazy happy.
6 - Stress
I'm a worrier. I think most people are to some degree when it comes to something they care about. So you know how you get this little idea in your head and it grows and grows until you can't control it anymore and it takes over all logical thought? For instance, your husband's late getting home and suddenly your imagining him dead in a gutter? Or your kids have been quiet so you're sure a terrorist has broken in and kidnapped them. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. So what do you do? You call your husband. You go check on your kids. Yeah, you have those same crazy worried stressed out moments about your unborn child, but no real way to check on things. You can feel him move, but I personally can never make the baby move. You can call your doctor, but you'd be calling every day. So you just try and push those feeling down and move on with your day, but I really don't know anyone who doesn't have them.
So there you have it. You'll have to decide for yourself if the whole pregnancy thing is worth the baby you get in the end. Honestly, I like being pregnant. There are hard parts, but I do like it. It makes me sad thinking that this could be the last time...we'll see.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Bittersweet
I am 20 weeks pregnant. Wow, this is going by really fast. Especially now that I'm in the honeymoon part of the pregnancy. I'm not sick anymore, but I'm not uncomfortable yet.
Today we go to the 20 week ultrasound. I'm feeling nervous. I always feel nervous. I am a worrier, so my mind goes to all those places that you don't want it to go when some one's running late, or my kid is out of sight for 5 seconds in a public place, or when I'm pregnant and about to have the big ultrasound that tells us if there are any issues.
But I also get nervous over the boy/girl thing. I find it very silly, because really I just want a healthy baby. And that is honest to God the absolute truth. But with Ainsley, I was nervous because I was absolutely sure it was a girl and I didn't want to be wrong. With Freddie, I was absolutely sure it wasn't a girl but afraid to admit it might be a boy and I didn't want to react badly. This time, I'm fairly sure we'll be seeing pink in our future...but not as sure as I was with Ainsley. So why am I nervous?
Well, most likely this is my last pregnancy. Which means, this will be the baby of our family. Anything can happen or change...but it's looking like this will be it for us and I'm not getting any younger, and neither are my ovaries. And I have these two amazing children, one girl and one boy. And if I could, I would relive their babyhood over a thousand times. Ainsley so sweet and happy and passive. Freddie so loud and passionate and fierce.
If we get a little sister, I will be ecstatic...but a bit sad that my baby boy is learning to dress himself and tell jokes. If it's a little brother, I will be over the moon...but disappointed because my baby girl is in kindergarten and learning to read.
I know that this baby will be it's own person. Maybe it will be a little girl that's loudest and craziest of all. Or maybe a little boy that's shy and sweet and quiet. Who knows, but I know that in all the happiness I'll experience today a part of my heart will be sad that this will be it and I'll never know that next little boy or girl.
Today we go to the 20 week ultrasound. I'm feeling nervous. I always feel nervous. I am a worrier, so my mind goes to all those places that you don't want it to go when some one's running late, or my kid is out of sight for 5 seconds in a public place, or when I'm pregnant and about to have the big ultrasound that tells us if there are any issues.
But I also get nervous over the boy/girl thing. I find it very silly, because really I just want a healthy baby. And that is honest to God the absolute truth. But with Ainsley, I was nervous because I was absolutely sure it was a girl and I didn't want to be wrong. With Freddie, I was absolutely sure it wasn't a girl but afraid to admit it might be a boy and I didn't want to react badly. This time, I'm fairly sure we'll be seeing pink in our future...but not as sure as I was with Ainsley. So why am I nervous?
Well, most likely this is my last pregnancy. Which means, this will be the baby of our family. Anything can happen or change...but it's looking like this will be it for us and I'm not getting any younger, and neither are my ovaries. And I have these two amazing children, one girl and one boy. And if I could, I would relive their babyhood over a thousand times. Ainsley so sweet and happy and passive. Freddie so loud and passionate and fierce.
If we get a little sister, I will be ecstatic...but a bit sad that my baby boy is learning to dress himself and tell jokes. If it's a little brother, I will be over the moon...but disappointed because my baby girl is in kindergarten and learning to read.
I know that this baby will be it's own person. Maybe it will be a little girl that's loudest and craziest of all. Or maybe a little boy that's shy and sweet and quiet. Who knows, but I know that in all the happiness I'll experience today a part of my heart will be sad that this will be it and I'll never know that next little boy or girl.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
I Rocked the Bump, and Then the Bump Rocked Me
I'm linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say for her "Rocking the Bump" meme.
I was never one of those skinny, not showing until 6 months, pregnant girls. I showed very early. The first time it was pretty much under control, even though I was in maternity clothes by the end of my first trimester.
However...
Number 2? I bought larger pants at 5 weeks. I couldn't fit into some of my maternity clothes from the first pregnancy. People knew what was going on by the time I was 2 months along. There was no hiding it. I was...whalish. Yes, that describes it well.
I am not posting a nude belly pic of #2. This picture is embarrassing enough.
I'm a little nervous to see what #3 will bring.*
*This is simply a thought, I AM NOT pregnant. Don't go starting any rumors!
I was never one of those skinny, not showing until 6 months, pregnant girls. I showed very early. The first time it was pretty much under control, even though I was in maternity clothes by the end of my first trimester.
 |
| 7 months pregnant and NO stretchmarks! Don't worry, they showed up for #2. |
 |
| 2 weeks before Ainsley arrived |
Number 2? I bought larger pants at 5 weeks. I couldn't fit into some of my maternity clothes from the first pregnancy. People knew what was going on by the time I was 2 months along. There was no hiding it. I was...whalish. Yes, that describes it well.
 |
| The night before Freddie was born, on bed rest, feeling oh so beautiful... |
I am not posting a nude belly pic of #2. This picture is embarrassing enough.
I'm a little nervous to see what #3 will bring.*
*This is simply a thought, I AM NOT pregnant. Don't go starting any rumors!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Finding Out
I wrote this post as a response to a prompt at The Red Dress Club: This week, we want you to imagine that after you have died and your daughter/son will be given the gift of seeing a single five-minute period of your life through your eyes, feeling and experiencing those moments as you did when they occurred. What five minutes would you have him/her see? Tell us about them in the finest detail.
The ultrasound gel they put on your belly isn't cold like you'd imagine. It's actually warm and soothing, which is nice considering how on edge and jumpy I feel. My mom is sitting at my feet rubbing my ankle. I'm glad she's here. I'm so nervous, I just can't get the butterflies out of my stomach.
Clif is sitting to my left side, with his mother beside him. It's the first grandchild for both of them. Excited does not cover the way they are feeling.
We invited them both to be here and afterwards the three of us will go register based on the outcome. I've wondered if we should have. Should this just be a moment for me and Clif? But now, I'm glad we did. They'll always be able to say they were there when we found out the first time.
I know it's a girl. I can feel it down to the bottom most trenches of my heart. The moment I saw those two pink lines appear on the stick, I started thinking of girl names. I've only looked at girl clothes and girl nurseries. I've told anyone who would listen that it absolutely must be a girl because I've never felt something so deeply before...but what if it's not?
What if right in this moment I have to completely change my whole thinking?
What if all my instincts and all my thoughts have been wrong?
She moves the probe over my skin and begins speaking:
There's his heart.
His? Did she say his? Did she mean his? Or does she just refer to all babies as "his/him/he" until the sex is actually known? My heart is pounding even harder now and hot tears begin to blur my eyes.
I want to ask but I don't want to seem too eager...of course I care more about HER heart than I do HER sex. But I just can't be wrong. I hate being wrong. Then she talks again:
Now I'm measuring his head.
There it is again...his! I can't contain myself any longer.
So it's a boy? I blurt out, a bit too harshly.
She glances at me sideways. She is definitely judging me. She thinks I only care about the sex. I don't only care about the sex, but seriously? It's all anyone talks about. Shouldn't you just get that part out of the way so I can really focus on the important stuff?
I refer to them all that way, until I know for sure.
My pounding heart calms a bit, but I'm wondering if here and now I should announce that it must be a boy...just in case.
She continues through all the checks: head diameter, abdomen size, arm and leg lengths, umbilical cord.
So, are we finding out the sex? she asks dryly without making eye contact.
I can't believe she just asked me that. Did we not just have that very awkward moment 2 minutes ago?
We all nod.
She turns back to the screen, pushes my abdomen to get the position right, clicks a picture and types G-I-R-L on the screen.
My heart leaps. It seems surreal. I've known all along but I can barely believe it. A girl! A sweet, pink, chubby little girl with bows and dresses and pink and purple. My first baby will be a girl.
I smile, look at my family and say Told you!
The ultrasound gel they put on your belly isn't cold like you'd imagine. It's actually warm and soothing, which is nice considering how on edge and jumpy I feel. My mom is sitting at my feet rubbing my ankle. I'm glad she's here. I'm so nervous, I just can't get the butterflies out of my stomach.
Clif is sitting to my left side, with his mother beside him. It's the first grandchild for both of them. Excited does not cover the way they are feeling.
We invited them both to be here and afterwards the three of us will go register based on the outcome. I've wondered if we should have. Should this just be a moment for me and Clif? But now, I'm glad we did. They'll always be able to say they were there when we found out the first time.
I know it's a girl. I can feel it down to the bottom most trenches of my heart. The moment I saw those two pink lines appear on the stick, I started thinking of girl names. I've only looked at girl clothes and girl nurseries. I've told anyone who would listen that it absolutely must be a girl because I've never felt something so deeply before...but what if it's not?
What if right in this moment I have to completely change my whole thinking?
What if all my instincts and all my thoughts have been wrong?
She moves the probe over my skin and begins speaking:
There's his heart.
His? Did she say his? Did she mean his? Or does she just refer to all babies as "his/him/he" until the sex is actually known? My heart is pounding even harder now and hot tears begin to blur my eyes.
I want to ask but I don't want to seem too eager...of course I care more about HER heart than I do HER sex. But I just can't be wrong. I hate being wrong. Then she talks again:
Now I'm measuring his head.
There it is again...his! I can't contain myself any longer.
So it's a boy? I blurt out, a bit too harshly.
She glances at me sideways. She is definitely judging me. She thinks I only care about the sex. I don't only care about the sex, but seriously? It's all anyone talks about. Shouldn't you just get that part out of the way so I can really focus on the important stuff?
I refer to them all that way, until I know for sure.
My pounding heart calms a bit, but I'm wondering if here and now I should announce that it must be a boy...just in case.
She continues through all the checks: head diameter, abdomen size, arm and leg lengths, umbilical cord.
So, are we finding out the sex? she asks dryly without making eye contact.
I can't believe she just asked me that. Did we not just have that very awkward moment 2 minutes ago?
We all nod.
She turns back to the screen, pushes my abdomen to get the position right, clicks a picture and types G-I-R-L on the screen.
My heart leaps. It seems surreal. I've known all along but I can barely believe it. A girl! A sweet, pink, chubby little girl with bows and dresses and pink and purple. My first baby will be a girl.
I smile, look at my family and say Told you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
