I am 20 weeks pregnant. Wow, this is going by really fast. Especially now that I'm in the honeymoon part of the pregnancy. I'm not sick anymore, but I'm not uncomfortable yet.
Today we go to the 20 week ultrasound. I'm feeling nervous. I always feel nervous. I am a worrier, so my mind goes to all those places that you don't want it to go when some one's running late, or my kid is out of sight for 5 seconds in a public place, or when I'm pregnant and about to have the big ultrasound that tells us if there are any issues.
But I also get nervous over the boy/girl thing. I find it very silly, because really I just want a healthy baby. And that is honest to God the absolute truth. But with Ainsley, I was nervous because I was absolutely sure it was a girl and I didn't want to be wrong. With Freddie, I was absolutely sure it wasn't a girl but afraid to admit it might be a boy and I didn't want to react badly. This time, I'm fairly sure we'll be seeing pink in our future...but not as sure as I was with Ainsley. So why am I nervous?
Well, most likely this is my last pregnancy. Which means, this will be the baby of our family. Anything can happen or change...but it's looking like this will be it for us and I'm not getting any younger, and neither are my ovaries. And I have these two amazing children, one girl and one boy. And if I could, I would relive their babyhood over a thousand times. Ainsley so sweet and happy and passive. Freddie so loud and passionate and fierce.
If we get a little sister, I will be ecstatic...but a bit sad that my baby boy is learning to dress himself and tell jokes. If it's a little brother, I will be over the moon...but disappointed because my baby girl is in kindergarten and learning to read.
I know that this baby will be it's own person. Maybe it will be a little girl that's loudest and craziest of all. Or maybe a little boy that's shy and sweet and quiet. Who knows, but I know that in all the happiness I'll experience today a part of my heart will be sad that this will be it and I'll never know that next little boy or girl.
Showing posts with label baby boy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby boy. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Friday, January 14, 2011
Last Night
Dear Freddie,
Last night you took one step. It was just one step. You didn't make any progress across the room, you just lifted that little knee and then stomped it back down in the same spot. But you were so proud. You squealed and then fell into my arms giggling. I've only seen your sister pull giggles like that from you, because you, my love, are not easy. You don't give smiles and giggles away to just anyone. You need to trust that person first. You need to love that person first. And even then, when you trust and love a person with all your heart, those belly laughs are few and far between.
But last night, you knew you had done something amazing. Something you'd never done before. The pride and sheer delight that lit up your eyes made me want to burst. I cheered you on and lifted you in the air, but a part of my heart broke. Last night, you would only lift that chubby foot while facing me, but I know not long from now, I'll watch you walk away from me. I know how much you love me, so I know you'll always come back...but as a mother, seeing those first steps of independence are thrilling, terrifying, exciting and heartbreaking all wrapped up in the tiniest little moment.
Last night, you had trouble going to sleep, so I slept with you and as I was falling asleep I thought about what lie ahead. That one little step will now open a whole new world for you. That one little step means that walking is only a couple of weeks off and running just a month or so down the road. That one little step shows you that you are your own person, that you can accomplish things on your own.
So last night, I didn't complain about you not sleeping well. Instead I just held you close and tried to breath in your sweet baby smell. I tried to imprint the feel of your silky soft skin on my heart. I tried to memorize the cadence of your resting breath. I always want to remember these moments. These moments where you let me hold you close. These moments when you're so interested in everything I have to say. These moments where you sleep best in my arms. These moments where taking one step is the most exciting sensation you've ever experienced.
Love,
Mommy
Last night you took one step. It was just one step. You didn't make any progress across the room, you just lifted that little knee and then stomped it back down in the same spot. But you were so proud. You squealed and then fell into my arms giggling. I've only seen your sister pull giggles like that from you, because you, my love, are not easy. You don't give smiles and giggles away to just anyone. You need to trust that person first. You need to love that person first. And even then, when you trust and love a person with all your heart, those belly laughs are few and far between.
But last night, you knew you had done something amazing. Something you'd never done before. The pride and sheer delight that lit up your eyes made me want to burst. I cheered you on and lifted you in the air, but a part of my heart broke. Last night, you would only lift that chubby foot while facing me, but I know not long from now, I'll watch you walk away from me. I know how much you love me, so I know you'll always come back...but as a mother, seeing those first steps of independence are thrilling, terrifying, exciting and heartbreaking all wrapped up in the tiniest little moment.
Last night, you had trouble going to sleep, so I slept with you and as I was falling asleep I thought about what lie ahead. That one little step will now open a whole new world for you. That one little step means that walking is only a couple of weeks off and running just a month or so down the road. That one little step shows you that you are your own person, that you can accomplish things on your own.
So last night, I didn't complain about you not sleeping well. Instead I just held you close and tried to breath in your sweet baby smell. I tried to imprint the feel of your silky soft skin on my heart. I tried to memorize the cadence of your resting breath. I always want to remember these moments. These moments where you let me hold you close. These moments when you're so interested in everything I have to say. These moments where you sleep best in my arms. These moments where taking one step is the most exciting sensation you've ever experienced.
Love,
Mommy
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