Over. IT.

I started a post this week called "Brothers."  I haven't finished it, because this week?  Was not my most stellar.  So today, instead of finishing that very sweet post I was writing, I'm writing a rant post because I feel like if it doesn't come out in a healthy way I'm going to explode and take people with me.

What am I over exactly?  Name it!

Snow days? Over it.
Too cold for school days? Over it.
2 hour delays? Over it.
Taking away already scheduled days off because of previously mentioned issues? Over it.
Runny noses? Over it.
Coughs? Over it.
3 hours of sleep at night? Over it.
Sinus headaches? Over it.
Stomach bugs? Over it.
Middle of the night vomiting? Over it.
Working from home with kids that are too sick for school but too healthy to be miserable on the couch? OVER IT.

I think I could go on, and on, and on...

I am in a serious funk.  January has been rough.  I've been off of work or working from home way more than I've been in the office.  I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Working at home is nice...when my kids are in school.  When I'm working from home out of necessity - you know so I don't use all my days in a 3 week span in the middle of this SH**TY season - and 1, 2, or ALL of my kids are home with me.  That freaking sucks!

I spend all day in a gut wrenching, stress filled, ADD tailspin...

While I work, I'm thinking "I really need to strip the beds.  I'm pretty sure Ainsley threw up in her bed last night. Didn't she ask me for crackers an hour ago?"

While I clean, I'm thinking "I really need to give Ainsley a bath.  Seriously doubt the 4 AM, half-assed, hair wash in the sink is cutting it."

While I attend to the children, I'm thinking "I really need to get back to my email.  I know that report is due in an hour and SHIT, I'm missing a conference call."

And so it goes, round and round, and round again.  It's a vicious cycle.

I actually looked at our budget this week to see if I could afford to quit my job.  Because even though, I know we can't afford it and I seriously doubt I could deal with winters as a stay at home mom...it's got to be better than this feeling of being split in half.  Not giving my full attention to anything, being half a mom, half an employee.  It's got to take this weight off my shoulders that is dragging me through the mud.

I know I'm not the only one.  I know all working moms feel this way.  But when you're stuck in your house for the 3rd day with slightly sick, almost healthy children, and you've missed a deadline, and the kids are fighting over who gets to have the pirate cup, and your house is a wreck, and laundry has to be reproducing - has to be because no chance you own that many clothes, and you only got a few hours of sleep last night...it sure does feel lonely.

Then last night as I'm putting Cohen to bed, I read this article called "Are you wishing away what others are missing?"  And it's a very sweet article about different places in the parenting spectrum, told from a woman in my shoes with little ones and a woman with grown children.  And how the woman with little ones wishes it was easier to get them in the car, but the other misses their car rides together because those were the best conversations.  And the woman with little ones wishes the baby would walk so she didn't have to carry her everywhere, but the other misses the way she looked with a baby on her hip.  And you get the picture.

Well didn't that just make me feel like the biggest jerk ever after yelling at my kids all day because they are bouncing off walls and I am stressed and they are fighting and I need to get things done.  I do get it.  Look at the positive.  Find the good side.  I try...really I do.  I gotta say, there's not much good about a kid slipping in her own puke at 4 AM.  I'm not sure I can find the good side of that. 

Alright rant over...I'm back at work today.  Kids are back in school today.  Hopefully the nastiness has left our house and we can get back to normal.  And on the bright side, winter is half over.  I'm always less over things when the air is warmer and the ground thaws out.  So for now, I will just keep my sights set on Spring and the thought of walks to the park and sidewalk chalk and bike rides and children who actually get to use all this pent up energy that God "blessed" them with.

The Best Part of My Day

My commute to work in the morning is long, but my commute home always seems much longer.  I find myself racing the clock...can I get there quicker today than I did yesterday?  If I make these lights I'll beat my best time.  Maybe there's a shorter route, a quicker cut-through, a less traveled path.  I'm always trying new roads, new ways, new directions all to get to the same place.

In the evening the radio station is replaying the exact same talk show I listened to that morning, so normally it's just background noise that fills the silent air.  My mind wanders to chores that need to be done that night, what I'm making for dinner, bills that need to be paid, things that need to be done in the Richmond house...but mostly I think about them.  I think about the moment that I see them.  It's always the best part of my day.

Ainsley will be telling her teachers stories of our plans for the night.  She'll go into great detail about visiting aunts and uncles or dance class or going to Richmond.  Freddie will be with a toy.  Pushing it, shaking it, pounding it or whatever is most fun and loud to do with that particular toy.  Then they'll see me and they'll drop whatever they're doing and make their way to me.

Those thoughts push me to get there sooner.  They're the reason I hate the traffic and curse the other drivers.  My life with them is crazy and hectic and forever on the move...but any time I spend away from them, I spend missing them.

I park along the curb and walk up the driveway to the large house on the corner.  This is where they spend most of their day.  I let myself in and slip off my shoes...no shoes allowed in the daycare portion of the house.

I walk down the stairs and I hear them before I see them.  They are happy, I hear it in their voices and laughter.  I emerge into the spacious basement.

Hi Ainsley!


MOMMY!!!!


She runs to me and wraps her thin arms around my upper thighs.

Did you have a good day? I ask.

By this time Freddie hears my voice and he is squealing like we rarely hear him laugh.  He toddles toward me, faster every day.

Hi Freddie! I say as I scoop him up and give his soft, squishy cheek a big kiss.  He giggles and wraps his chubby arms tightly around my neck.

The three of us are one giant hug of laughter and love.  Yes, this is definitely the best part of my day.