Officially Retired

I thought that maybe I'd nurse Cohen for 2 years.  Ainsley went 14 months, Freddie went 19.  So I thought I could take Cohen a bit further.  However, I've known for awhile that I may not be able to get the night weaning to really work if I didn't just stop all together.

Then last week I went to Oregon for work.  I was gone 4 full days.  I pumped and got next to nothing.  So I knew I was done.

Even before I left, I thought that this trip might do it.  Might get him over the hump.  Might be enough time apart for him to realize he doesn't need it.  So on Monday night, before I left, I nursed him and I knew that it might be the end.  I'm glad I thought about that and took the time to sit and rub his cheek and hair.  I'm glad I focused on just that for 10 minutes so I can remember his little face like that.  I can distinctly remember the last time I nursed each of my kids.  I've been lucky that I've always known when the end was near.  I've always been able to plan it out.

This time it's a bit different.  I am done nursing...forever.  And the weight of that makes me sad, because it means that I have passed another stage, checked off another box, moved forward a bit more.  My baby days are over.

But overall, I'm okay with it.  I didn't collapse into tears in my hotel room when I realized I wasn't making any more milk.  And I didn't cry and give in when he asked for it a few times this weekend.  I will miss his little fist on my shirt, big blue eyes staring up at me, repeating "NiNi?  NiNi?"  I will miss nights rocking him to sleep in the quiet of his room.  I will miss the power to soothe him instantly.  But I forgot the wonderfulness that comes when nursing ends.

Up to this point, a nursing mother provides nourishment for the child and the child comes to rely on that as a way to soothe and comfort.  But this weekend, without the nursing, Cohen actually cuddled up on my lap and just sat there with his head resting on my shoulder or nuzzled in my belly.  He's never done that with me.  With Clif, yes.  He hugs his siblings willingly.  But not really with me, because I'm the boobs.  He is comforted by nursing.  So now he can snuggle me without that getting in the way.

So now the girls are officially retired.  Maybe I can finally buy a bra and wear it for longer than 6 months.  Maybe I'll finally know my actual size.  I'll  never again have sore nipples or engorged breasts.  I have completely enjoyed the 4+ years I've nursed my babies and I will always look back at those times as some of my most precious.  I will forever remember the sound a nursing baby makes, the feeling of let down, and the smell of milk breath.  But everything has to end, and I'm glad I was able to do it on my terms.  I am thankful for that and ready to take the next step.

I Know it's Time

I love breastfeeding.  Some people think I'm crazy, but I love it.  When I first became a mom, I was determined to make it work.  It was hard at first, and I hated it that first month.  I remember those first few weeks thinking "Can I really do this for a year?"  I started thinking that maybe it would be okay if I just lasted 6 months.  Even that seemed impossible.  But by about 6 weeks Ainsley and I had settled in and I started to enjoy it.

When her first birthday rolled around we were no where near ready to stop.  Quickly her feedings decreased and by the time she was about 14 months she was only nursing before bed.  I went out for my birthday with some friends.  When I pumped, I got less than 1/2 an ounce total.  That was the end.  I nursed her and knew it would be the last time.  I may have cried.

Freddie was easy.  He latched on the moment I held him and he never looked back.  He loved nursing and his love only grew stronger as he grew older.  At 12 months, he was still nursing 5-6 times a day.  I've never been one to push a strict feeding schedule.  I've always nursed on demand.  However, Freddie's demands were frequent and violent.  We went through about a month where if I didn't whip it out the moment he crawled in my lap he'd kick, scream and hit me.  We got past that...first by completely stopping any night feedings.  Then I stopped nursing him at all during the day...only at nap and bed times.  Then I took away the nap nursings.

All that took quite a bit of time.  Finally, about 2 months ago we were down to just nursing before bed time.  I decided I would go until 18 months and then we were done.

Then, of course, things come up.  Two weekends out of town immediately following his 18 month mark, did not bode well for weaning.  I knew that would be the case, so I decided I'd wait until this coming weekend to stop.  He'd be just shy of 19 months.  I wanted to do it on a weekend so if we had a screaming toddler all night long, I could sleep it off the next morning.

Tonight, I have a work function to attend.  I won't be home until way past bed time.  So Clif will be pulling night duty.  There won't be any nursing and he hasn't taken a bottle since he was 10 months old.  I think it would be cruel and counter productive to nurse him tomorrow night and then stop Friday.

Last night, I rocked and nursed my 27.5 lb, almost 19 month old baby for the last time.  His feet now dangle well past my knees.  His arm now reaches around my back.  His legs don't curl into my stomach any more.  His legs run and jump and kick and climb.  His hands don't ball tight in fists any more.  His hands explore and pull and throw and clap and blow kisses.

I drew it out longer than normal.  I know it was for me more than him.  Starting today, my body is all mine again.  For the first time in 5 years I'm not growing or nourishing or sustaining a little person - or trying to do so.  And it will be awhile before I do it again.

I nursed him all the way to sleep, which I never do anymore.  I kissed him more and hugged him longer before placing him in his crib.  Sometimes it's so hard to let go.  So difficult to let them grow.  I know it's time to release this last thing keeping him small and embrace the little boy he's becoming.

Boob Man

I breastfed Ainsley until she was almost 15 months old.  Mostly I did this because I couldn't bare the thought of not nursing her.  If you know me, you know that I. LOVE. Breastfeeding, and I have been lucky.  It has come relatively easy for me.  Also, I am well endowed in the milk department.  So I've never had to supplement.  Even if I've felt like my production was dipping or I was going to be away for a weekend, I could always pump it up again.

However, when Ainsley was about 14.5 months old I went out to dinner with some friends for my birthday.  At that point I was only nursing her before bed and when I pumped that night, I didn't even get one ounce, so I decided it was time to move on.

This time, with Freddie, I have not worried about the timeline.  I haven't obsessed over whether or not I'd make it a year, I haven't wondered how long I would go, I haven't thought much about it.  Until now.

Freddie will be 13 months old soon...and there is not a breastfeeding end in sight.  I'm not necessarily saying I want to stop, because I don't think I'm quite there yet.  He's still such a baby to me and even though Clif and I both want another child, that may not happen for awhile given our current financial and living situation.  So, he will be my baby for awhile and I'm cool with that.  However, this weekend I went out of town for the night and I was able to pump 8 ounces still!  At 13 months!  I was shocked.  Which means Freddie is still drinking a lot of breast milk.

He's a little more aggressive with his want for the boob than Ainsley ever was.  I'm thinking maybe it's a boy thing.  You see those babies pulling at their mother's shirts?  They're boys...and that is Freddie.  You see babies throwing fits in public when they want to nurse?  They're boys...and that is Freddie.  You see babies trying to suckle through their mother's shirts?  They're boys...and that is Freddie.

I've been trying to slowly wean...not completely, but at least lessen the number of times he nurses.  For instance, I'd really like him to stop nursing in the middle of the night...not that this is a huge problem.  I'd say he sleeps through the night about 85% of the time, but when he wakes up, he wants the boob.  I've been really good about not giving in, and after a tough couple of nights, he seems to have accepted that.

But then last night...

He could not be soothed.  He could not be calmed.  He screamed for over an hour.  So, I gave in.  I was so tired and looking at only 4 hours of sleep, so I put him in bed with me and let him nurse.  I'm pretty irritated with myself, since we had been doing so well for 2 weeks...but I just couldn't take it anymore.

So I guess we're starting over again...I think I'll probably wait until after this coming weekend, when I will be out of town again.  I'm pretty sure that's his trigger for ULTRA nursing.  He doesn't get it for a solid 24-48 hours and he must make sure that the boobs are mommy is never out of sight again!

Wish me luck...

So Tired...

This is going to be short, because I'm pretty beat and I still have to make bottles before I go to bed. So just a quick update...good news, Ainsley is sleeping in her crib right now and she has only awoken once since 8:30. So far, so good. As of right now she's been in there for an hour asleep, I'm going to stop talking about it now so I don't jinx us! Oh my gosh, you're not going to believe this but she just started crying!!! I knew I shouldn't have written about it! Oh well, still an improvement over previous nights. Clif is on crib duty for a few nights, I've been putting a lot of time into the class. I actually think she responds better to him in that department. I think most things get more complicated with me because I'm nursing and she uses it as a comfort so that's what she always wants to do.

Another update, Ainsley started eating real food at daycare this week. That is exciting mostly because she is starting to cut out some of her bottles. I still pump ever day at work, twice a day, and my milk supply is just really dropping. Especially since she started eating table food. I am bound and determined to make it a year breastfeeding with no formula, so her cutting back is a good thing. Hopefully, soon it will just be morning and night and NO MORE PUMPING!!! YES!!! I love nursing...HATE pumping.

Ok, like I said, I'm so tired. So I'm done for now, off to bottle making then bed. Take care all my loved ones. I hope I get to see you all in person soon, not just in cyberspace. XOXOXOXO