Officially Retired

I thought that maybe I'd nurse Cohen for 2 years.  Ainsley went 14 months, Freddie went 19.  So I thought I could take Cohen a bit further.  However, I've known for awhile that I may not be able to get the night weaning to really work if I didn't just stop all together.

Then last week I went to Oregon for work.  I was gone 4 full days.  I pumped and got next to nothing.  So I knew I was done.

Even before I left, I thought that this trip might do it.  Might get him over the hump.  Might be enough time apart for him to realize he doesn't need it.  So on Monday night, before I left, I nursed him and I knew that it might be the end.  I'm glad I thought about that and took the time to sit and rub his cheek and hair.  I'm glad I focused on just that for 10 minutes so I can remember his little face like that.  I can distinctly remember the last time I nursed each of my kids.  I've been lucky that I've always known when the end was near.  I've always been able to plan it out.

This time it's a bit different.  I am done nursing...forever.  And the weight of that makes me sad, because it means that I have passed another stage, checked off another box, moved forward a bit more.  My baby days are over.

But overall, I'm okay with it.  I didn't collapse into tears in my hotel room when I realized I wasn't making any more milk.  And I didn't cry and give in when he asked for it a few times this weekend.  I will miss his little fist on my shirt, big blue eyes staring up at me, repeating "NiNi?  NiNi?"  I will miss nights rocking him to sleep in the quiet of his room.  I will miss the power to soothe him instantly.  But I forgot the wonderfulness that comes when nursing ends.

Up to this point, a nursing mother provides nourishment for the child and the child comes to rely on that as a way to soothe and comfort.  But this weekend, without the nursing, Cohen actually cuddled up on my lap and just sat there with his head resting on my shoulder or nuzzled in my belly.  He's never done that with me.  With Clif, yes.  He hugs his siblings willingly.  But not really with me, because I'm the boobs.  He is comforted by nursing.  So now he can snuggle me without that getting in the way.

So now the girls are officially retired.  Maybe I can finally buy a bra and wear it for longer than 6 months.  Maybe I'll finally know my actual size.  I'll  never again have sore nipples or engorged breasts.  I have completely enjoyed the 4+ years I've nursed my babies and I will always look back at those times as some of my most precious.  I will forever remember the sound a nursing baby makes, the feeling of let down, and the smell of milk breath.  But everything has to end, and I'm glad I was able to do it on my terms.  I am thankful for that and ready to take the next step.

One More Time

There are things I'll miss about having a baby.  I will miss the clink of onsie snaps in the dryer and sleepy heads on my chest.  I'll miss that aroma of warm milk and baby soap.  I'll miss bald heads and little toes.  I'll miss wearing a tiny person in my Lovey Duds wrap and little fingers grasping mine as I nurse in the rocker.  I'll miss the sight of a baby swaddled like a burrito and pictures of blank stares and cooing mouths.  I'll miss the firsts.  The first step, the first word, the first smile. 

And as I restrain a screaming, 24 lb, toddler that seems to have superhuman strength at 1:30am for over an hour I realize, I will even miss weaning.

I won't miss the lost sleep.  I won't miss the helplessness.  I won't miss the ear-splitting, headache-inducing, screaming.  But I will miss this.  I will miss this time that he chooses me, that he needs me, that with one simple act I can bring comfort and relaxation and sleep.

We have come to the time.  I never know exactly when it will be.  But I know it's time that I begin the process.  Right now, I'm just trying to get him back to sleep without nursing.  I'm not ready to give it up completely.  Ainsley went 13 months, Freddie 19 months...Cohen will most likely go longer.  But what I can't do anymore is have him nurse consistently through the night.  It's become a problem for him and me.  Neither of us get the sleep we need.  So it's time to at least start this journey.

We had a terrible night 3 weeks ago, but then it got better, and I thought we were on the right track.  Then we went out of town.  And we all slept in the same space, and I couldn't have him screaming in the middle of the night when he was all out of sorts and waking up the whole place.  So I gave in.  And I knew it would be a set back...I just didn't realize how much. 

This week has been horrific.  I'm exhausted.  I know it will pass...but this time while I'm standing hip deep in the muck its hard to think about what's next.

BUT...while the screaming crashes through my skull and the kicking and punches make my tired limbs ache and I can't help but just cry with him...I try to remember that when we come out on the other side of this, I'll be one step farther from my baby days.  That soon after that, I won't sense his little body cuddled up to mine in the night.  I won't feel his little fingers pinch my skin.  I won't smell his soft wisps of hair that tickle my face.  I won't see those deep blue eyes fight to stay open and eventually, slowly, close.  And when I remember all of that, I know I can do this one more time.  I can breath in every moment, the good and the bad, and get over this hill one more time.  Just make sure there's plenty of coffee for me in the morning.

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu

Today the song from The Sound of Music is running through my head.  Today I say goodbye to a very old friend.  Well, kind of a friend.  Maybe more like a frenemy.  I'm a little, teensy, weensy bit sad...no.  Actually, no, I'm not.  I'm not sad.  I can't wait to have this gal out of my life.  She's a royal pain and constantly by my side.

Today is the last day I pump at work...like...EVER!!  I'm giddy.  Dude...pumping SUCKS so hard!  And I've been doing it off and on for 7 years.  I really don't know any breastfeeding mothers that enjoy pumping.  It's just a necessary evil to breastfeeding and working.

Now, I do have to give credit where credit is due...without my dear Medela, I would not have been able to grow 3 tiny babies into plump toddlers only using breast milk.  So thank you Medela.  Thank you for saving me enormous amounts of money on formula, and thank you for allowing me to breastfeed each of my kids well past the first year mark.  Though I hate to use you, I would have been lost without you.

This does not mean I'm going to stop breastfeeding Cohen.  I plan to continue until he's ready to stop.  It does mean that Cohen is down to one 3 ounce bottle a day, I'll drop it to 2 ounces next week and then eliminate it completely.

When the breastfeeding stops?  Then I will be sad.  Very, very sad.  But today is about the happy dance and no more lugging this girl back and forth to work.  No more cleaning bottles every night.  No more stuffing toothpicks and q-tips into little tiny compartments that milk sometimes splashes into.  Yay...I get like 15 extra minutes every night to myself.  This is one "last time" that I am going to be very happy to see go.

And Medela...you have done your job excellently, without fail.  You go retire and do whatever it is that retired breastpumps do...but I may need you on an occasional weekend so don't go too far.

My Truths

We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.

-Paulo Coelho


I've been trying to write this post for a long time, but the words never seem to come out the way I want.  I write, then I read and it doesn't speak the way I want it to.  But it's something I feel like I need to get out, so bear with me.

I can be a pretty judgemental person.  It's not something I'm proud of.  It's something I've been working very hard to change about myself.  I never realized my issue until I had kids, when all of the sudden everyone was judging me for how I was parenting. 

"You're STILL breastfeeding?!?!?"
"Oh, you're putting her in daycare?"
"She SLEEPS with you!!"
"I can't believe you're using cloth diapers."
"So you had ELECTIVE C-sections?  Why would you do that?"
"You want how many children?"

I could go on...for days.  All those questions had me searching for excuses, when really my only reason for any of them...because it's the best I can give my baby.  In those moments that I felt so small under those harsh judgements I realized that I do it too.  I've probably made someone feel that way, and I hated myself for it.  It was in those moments that I vowed to be better.  To not jump to conclusions.  To understand that we all have our own story and our own reason for the things we do.  To teach my children acceptance and tolerance.

I can try to change myself, but it's still out there.  A mom that breastfeed's looks down on a mom who doesn't.  A mom who adhear's to the cry it out method thinks the mom who co-sleeps is an idiot.  The mom who had her baby naturally without medication feels superior to the mom who chose a c-section.  Again, I could go on.

And on top of this "I'm better than you" attitude, society and the media and politicians just fuel the fire.

I'm sure you've all seen the Time cover of the woman breastfeeding her 3 year old.  The title on the cover is "Are you Mom Enough?"  I told Clif the other night that I didn't like the title.  He thinks it's just a play on the whole "extreme" everything idea.  Extreme sports - Are you Strong enough?  Extreme couponing - Are you Savvy enough?  Extreme breastfeeding - Are you Mom enough?

I hate the title.  Are you mom enough?  To me it says "Are you going to be un-mom and bottle feed your baby?  Are you going to be just enough mom and breastfeed for a bit?  OR ARE YOU GOING TO BE AWSOME, ALL POWERFUL MOM ENOUGH to breastfeed forever?"

I haven't read the article.  I know it's about attachment parenting and the picture of a woman breastfeeding a preschooler on the cover is the most shocking thing they could come up with.  (That this is shocking is a topic for a whole other blog post.)  I don't know if the article speaks down to mothers like the title does, but the title makes me angry enough to not buy the Time magazine.

I am a breastfeeding mother.  In fact, I subscribe to most aspects of attachment parenting.  I breastfed past a year, I slept with my kids, I have baby bjorns and slings and wraps.  I love all of it.

But I'm angry because it's just another way to pit moms against one another.  To draw battle lines.  To rationalize the judgements we pass on one another.  I'm tired of being judged for what I do or don't do.  Let's stop fighting with each other, about who's doing it right and who's doing it wrong and who's doing it SUPER right.  Let's support each other, hear each other's stories.  Can't we agree that we're all just trying to be the best moms we can be with what we have and what we know?  Isn't that enough?  That we love our kids and make sure they have the basic needs in life?

So here are my truths, with no excuses. 

I have breastfed both of my children well past a year.
My children are in daycare...full time.
Ainsley slept with us for the better part of 4 years.  Freddie still sleeps with us on occasion.
I use cloth diapers 80% of the time on Freddie.  I didn't use them at all on Ainsley.
I have never let my children cry it out.
I don't always make my kids eat dinner before they have dessert.
I allow my children to watch way too much TV.
If finances and time (and my husband) allowed, I'd have 10 kids.
I had 2 scheduled c-sections.

Can you accept them?

Boob Man

I breastfed Ainsley until she was almost 15 months old.  Mostly I did this because I couldn't bare the thought of not nursing her.  If you know me, you know that I. LOVE. Breastfeeding, and I have been lucky.  It has come relatively easy for me.  Also, I am well endowed in the milk department.  So I've never had to supplement.  Even if I've felt like my production was dipping or I was going to be away for a weekend, I could always pump it up again.

However, when Ainsley was about 14.5 months old I went out to dinner with some friends for my birthday.  At that point I was only nursing her before bed and when I pumped that night, I didn't even get one ounce, so I decided it was time to move on.

This time, with Freddie, I have not worried about the timeline.  I haven't obsessed over whether or not I'd make it a year, I haven't wondered how long I would go, I haven't thought much about it.  Until now.

Freddie will be 13 months old soon...and there is not a breastfeeding end in sight.  I'm not necessarily saying I want to stop, because I don't think I'm quite there yet.  He's still such a baby to me and even though Clif and I both want another child, that may not happen for awhile given our current financial and living situation.  So, he will be my baby for awhile and I'm cool with that.  However, this weekend I went out of town for the night and I was able to pump 8 ounces still!  At 13 months!  I was shocked.  Which means Freddie is still drinking a lot of breast milk.

He's a little more aggressive with his want for the boob than Ainsley ever was.  I'm thinking maybe it's a boy thing.  You see those babies pulling at their mother's shirts?  They're boys...and that is Freddie.  You see babies throwing fits in public when they want to nurse?  They're boys...and that is Freddie.  You see babies trying to suckle through their mother's shirts?  They're boys...and that is Freddie.

I've been trying to slowly wean...not completely, but at least lessen the number of times he nurses.  For instance, I'd really like him to stop nursing in the middle of the night...not that this is a huge problem.  I'd say he sleeps through the night about 85% of the time, but when he wakes up, he wants the boob.  I've been really good about not giving in, and after a tough couple of nights, he seems to have accepted that.

But then last night...

He could not be soothed.  He could not be calmed.  He screamed for over an hour.  So, I gave in.  I was so tired and looking at only 4 hours of sleep, so I put him in bed with me and let him nurse.  I'm pretty irritated with myself, since we had been doing so well for 2 weeks...but I just couldn't take it anymore.

So I guess we're starting over again...I think I'll probably wait until after this coming weekend, when I will be out of town again.  I'm pretty sure that's his trigger for ULTRA nursing.  He doesn't get it for a solid 24-48 hours and he must make sure that the boobs are mommy is never out of sight again!

Wish me luck...