Fresh Starts

At the end of 2008 I was at my parents house for Christmas.  It was the first time in awhile that my whole family was together for a holiday. 

Clif and I were thinking about another baby and were also determined to get out of debt within the next two years.  We had a budget and a plan and we were excited about the coming year.  I even said "2009's going to be a really good year."

2009 was not a good year.  Within weeks of me saying those silly words,  my parents would split up, Clif would lose his job and I would be pregnant. A month or so later, I would miscarry.  It would be 5 months before I was pregnant again.  So 2009 would not be the year of financial freedom or the year of a sibling for Ainsley.  It ended up being one of the hardest years of my life.  And I know, if that's as bad as it gets, I'm lucky.  But that one year, set us back...way back.  Financially - our debt tripled.  Emotionally - we would worry more, argue more, cry more.  Physically - I gained about 20 pounds.

In 2010, after 18 months of unemployment Clif found a job.  A job that would move us away from our beloved Richmond.  A job that would take us back to Northern Virgina, a place I really never wanted to return to...but a job.  Also in 2010, Freddie was born.  Definitely one of the best days of my life.  So 2010 was a good year.  It was still hard.  We were still living paycheck to paycheck, but at least we were on the right path.

2011 started with me joining Clif in Northern Virginia...in his parent's house.  Those first few months were very hard.  I don't struggle with depression or anxiety...but those first few months are the closest I've ever come.  I could not see past my anger, pain, and humiliation.  I cried daily.  I pulled away from everyone.  I couldn't face the world.  I went through the motions.

So now here were are, 2012.  We've got tenants in both our properties.  We've managed to save some money and pay off all of our medical bills.  Granted that was a small portion of our debt, but it's something.  We've got two beautiful children, growing up way too fast.  I've lost 12 pounds...it's taken forever, but it's happening.  And now, we are moving out of Kip and Denise's house.  We signed a lease Wednesday night.  We'll be in by the end of the month.

I'm excited and nervous and worried...all those things you go through when you're going out on your own...only this time, I know all the pitfalls.  So, I can try to plan for them, but also it scares me more.

Mostly it feels good.  It feels like we're finally making a fresh start, that our life in limbo land is coming to an end and we can finally start taking a few steps forward.  Financially, it's still going to be a struggle.  We've already cut way back on spending...we started that 3 years ago.  But we won't be able to save as much, we won't be able to pay things off as quickly.  Our 2 year plan from 2008 looks more like a 4 year plan now.  But now I'm thinking...so what.  It would be great to have my debt erased and my savings account padded.  It would be awesome to have a nice little nest egg for each of my kids.  I would LOVE a vacation.  But right now, none of that is in the cards...but I know it will be.  We just have to be patient and let the next few years happen.

However, I wouldn't say I'm the most patient person...

I Left My Heart In Richmond

We left Richmond 10 months ago.  Life has been dramatically different since last January.  This weekend I got to go back and pretend like everything was the same.  It was the first time that I returned and didn't stay in my house.  It was the first time that I returned without my family.  It was the first time that I wasn't there on official "unload the house" business.

I went to visit my sweet friend Nicole.  I haven't seen her since February.  And since then it seems that we've also had trouble connecting through email or the phone or whatever.  You know, life just gets busy.  So we started weeks ago trying to plan a visit.

I landed on her doorstep Saturday afternoon with just one bag and my pillow.  No diapers or baby dolls or sippy cups.  She answered and the last 9 months just melted away.  I immediately felt like I hadn't moved away, like I was just stopping by on a Saturday for a glass of wine and some girl talk.

It was amazing spending the time with her and seeing some other friends along the way.  I woke up yesterday missing my family but wishing that I could prolong the visit a bit longer, wishing that I didn't have to jump in the car and return to my new life.  That I could instead just bring my family back and stay where I've always felt at home.

After breakfast, I said my good-byes and headed back up 95.  The short trip was exactly what I needed to reconnect with some old friends, but it left me feeling a bit sad.  It left me missing weekly lunches with Tara, and fire pits on the deck with Brian and Nicole, and Ledo's on the weekend's with Jeff and Amy.  It left me wanting 12 minute commutes to work, fenced in back yards for my dogs, my own house with a purple room for Ainsley and monkey's on the wall for Freddie.  It wasn't always an easier life, but it was a bit simpler. 

As I merged on to the beltway my heart was heavy and I could feel the tears burning my eyes...but as I pulled up to the house there was a beautiful little girl waiting to greet me and jump into my arms.  So for now, this is where my family is and this is where I belong.  Richmond will have to wait.