Sleep Training, Part Two...Night 1

This will be long...I apologize now...

The sleeping thing with Ainsley has not gotten any better.  For the last week, one of us has been sitting on her floor while she falls asleep.  Then to add to the sleep issues, she's been waking up and joining us in our bed.

So I've been searching for an answer.  I got a lot of ideas and advice and I've tried them ALL. 

Her biggest issue seems to be that she's scared.  She can't really tell me why she's scared.  Sometimes she says she has bad dreams.  So I've ordered a dream catcher.  Should be here today.  Sometimes she says she's afraid of shadows in her room.  So I've spend lots of time trying to eliminate anything that may be scary.  Sometimes she says she's scared of a bad man coming in the house and taking her.  So I've told her about special angels watching over her and how mommy and daddy will never let that happen.  Sometimes she says she's scared of a random thing on her floor.  So I've tried to pick all those things up before bedtime.  Sometimes she's scared of monsters and witches coming in her door or out of her closet.  So we got a special "magic" stuffed animal that takes away bad things.

None of this has worked.  So I was starting to believe she was making it all up.  I decided this week that I would not sit in her room and she'd have to fall asleep on her own.  Well, it didn't work either.  There were lots of tears, lots of screams, lots of late nights.  I'm pretty sure, before last night, she wasn't asleep before 11 since last week.  That's really late for a 4 year old who has to get up at 6 AM.

On top of that, she was still scared...but still, no real details.  Just vague references to a shadow or a dream.

People...I thought I might lose my mind.

Then a friend at work gave me a book about sleep issues.  I did not read the whole thing.  But there was a whole chapter about childhood fears and anxiety.  Whoever wrote this book, pretty much convinced me that she did have some anxiety around bed time.  She was not making this up to get me to stay or push limits.  She was sincerely afraid of something.  The writer suggests that some kids at that age are just anxious about life in general, and even though all day they're perfectly fine, at night those anxieties manifest into creepy monsters and scary witches.

He suggested a few things.  First, move her bedtime back.  The more tired she is, the faster she'll fall asleep, and the less time her mind will wander to all those terrifying ideas.  Second, be absolutely strict with bedtime.  When it's bedtime, it's bedtime.  There's no bargaining for more time, no crying, no fighting.  Stick to your guns.  For the most part, I do this...but he said something that totally hit home with me.  I'm paraphrasing here, but basically - You need to be your kid's rock.  Your kid needs to know what happens next so anxiety is lessened.  If one night she asks for 5 more minutes and I allow it but the next night she asks and I get upset, I'm sending a mixed message.  Mixed messages = Anxiety = Monsters in her closet = No sleep for any of us.  Well duh, Jaime!  Be consistent, that's what we're supposed to be right?  I know this, but him laying it out like that made me realize that I definitely had some work to do in that department.

Third thing he mentioned happened earlier in the night.  Not at bedtime, talk to her about her fears, her needs, her wants.  We did this at dinner.  Again, the fears were pretty vague...shadows, dreams.  No real detail.  But we agreed upon a bedtime routine and also agreed that I would check on her every minute until she fell asleep.

That's right...every MINUTE.  This also was a suggestion in the book.  Most of the time, kids are scared because they don't know where their parents are.  So they lie awake wondering and worrying if they've gone to bed or if they're still watching TV or whatever.

Finally, the writer thinks you should give rewards for small accomplishments.  Again, I know this.  Success leads to more success.  However, in my sleep deprived, frustrated haze...I think I forgot it.  I assumed that because Ainsley had been sleeping on her own for awhile, that we could jump right back to that spot, and I would accept nothing less for a sticker on her sleep chart.  I need to take a step back and reward her for the small things.

So at 8:30 last night, her alarm went off and it was bedtime.  She did ask to finish her show, I said no...but I didn't get upset.  She protested, but I stuck to it.  We went upstairs, brushed teeth, read one book, cuddled and talked for 5 minutes, and then said good-night.

She cried as I left her room, but only for a minute, because then I popped back in.  She didn't cry again.  Once she understood that I would appear every minute, and how short a minute is...she was fine.

I left at 9:00.  At 9:35 I walked in and checked, she was asleep.  I think she was asleep around 9:25, but since I was just "popping" in, I couldn't tell for sure.  She didn't really move during those last 10 checks.

I know what you're thinking...EVERY MINUTE!!!  I was stressed about this idea too.  But once I just accepted the fact that during this time I wouldn't be able to clean the kitchen, do laundry, read, or watch TV, it wasn't so bad.  It was basically the same as sitting on her floor...only we're one step closer to her doing it on her own.  And falling asleep at 9:30, is way better than 11:30.

I plan on doing this for the next few nights and then lengthening the time to 3 minutes between check ins.  I'll let you know how it goes.

I've been frustrated and angry with the situation, but it's really important to me that she not be scared.  So if there's anything I can do to fix that, I'm going to try.  I was always so scared to sleep alone as a child, and I really remember that panic in my stomach and chest.  I slept with my siblings until I was 12 or 13 because of that awful feeling of being alone and vulnerable.  I don't want that for her.  I want to fix this and give her only sweet dreams.

That Whole Sleeping Thing...Yeah...

So remember when I told you all what an awesome parent I am?  And remember when we talked about the sleep chart?  And remember my whole book/talk show idea to make millions?

Yeah...not happening.

After 4.5 months of sleep training Ainsley...we are back at square one.  We moved last month, and I thought there may need to be some adjustments.  But actually, she took it like a champ.  She slept in her own bed, in her own room with no problems.

In fact, she was sleeping better than Freddie.  There were no tears when I left the room.  She'd fall asleep in the hour that I spent downstairs, and she wouldn't wake until the next morning.

Then something changed.  Not sure why...but I definitely know when.  Two Mondays ago, we had a major meltdown and it hasn't gotten better since.  I thought that maybe it was just a rough night, even though we have not seen a night like that since week one of the sleep training.  Instead, it's still going on.

There are massive tears and fits when I leave the room.  She's awake until 11PM or later.  If by some chance I do get her to sleep, she usually ends up in my room before morning.  Getting her up in the morning is difficult.

It's like I  have stepped back in time 6 months, only now I know what the promised land holds...one hour each night of a grown up TV show...time to prep for the next day...laundry done...sleeping in my own bed all night.  And I see it slipping through my fingers quickly. 

I really don't know what to do.  Do I start the sleep chart all over again?  Do we actually go back to the beginning and sleep with her?  She's miserable, I'm miserable, Clif's miserable...I'm at a loss.  It just doesn't make sense, I don't know what changed.

So I think tonight I'm making a new sleep chart...we'll see how it goes.  Wish me luck.

The Sleep Chart

I've been hesitant to write about this.  It's like when you hit every green light on the way home.  You don't talk about it.  You just let it happen and celebrate when you pull in your driveway.  It's why Clif doesn't let me comment on the surprising lack of traffic.  The minute you talk about it, everything goes to...you know what.

However, I have always said that if I ever got Ainsley to sleep like a normal kid I would write a book and make millions.  Well, I can barely find time to write this blog, so I don't think a book deal is showing up anytime soon.

Ainsley is the anti-sleeper.  If you have read this blog at all, you already know that.  She is the perfect storm for sleep deprived parents...

1 - She hates being left out.  She would rather force her eyes open and watch me fold clothes than just get the sleep she so desperately needs.

2 - She can not self soothe.  She has never attached herself to a bottle, a thumb, a finger, a blanket, a baby doll, a stuffed animal, an article of my clothing.  The only thing that has ever made her secure is another person to cling to.

3 - She can not put herself to sleep.  Anytime I have tried to instill this in her, it has ended in disaster.  Imagine, if you will, a very tired, very frustrated, at her wits end mother, reversing the door knob on her 3 year old's bedroom door so said 3 year old can't leave the room.  I know, not my proudest moment.  But I have been driven over the cliff with this child and her sleep issues.

I was really at peace with the situation.  This was our issue.  Ainsley is the perfect child otherwise.  Why should I complain that she wants to snuggle with me at night?  It wouldn't last forever.  But then it hit me.  I was really doing this girl a disservice. 

It happened about 6 weeks ago.  We were over at some friends.  There were a bunch of kids all around Ainsley's age.  Clif was staying to hang out while I took the kids home.  He would spend the night.  Some other dads were staying over with their kids.  A sleep over!  Ainsley wanted to stay.  How could I let her stay?  Could I really expect the mom - who had her own three kids to put to bed - to sleep with my daughter?  Clif was staying to catch up with some visiting friends.  Our deal was that I would take the kids home at a reasonable hour.  I couldn't ask him to change his plans to sleep on the floor, in a sleeping bag with Ainsley.

She cried the whole way home.  And I thought...this is my fault.  If I had taught her to do this, then I could have left her.  Clif was there, I could have left her to go to sleep with her little friends and have her first sleep over.

And what happens in a couple of years when little girls at school are having sleep overs?  Will she still need a mommy to sleep with her?  The thought of her missing out on things like that because I hadn't been able to figure this out, killed me.  I couldn't let it happen.  So it started...the sleep chart...

The deal was that if she could go to sleep on her own for a certain number of nights she would get a reward.  Three nights = Slurpee.  Five nights = Target shopping.  Seven nights = Build A Bear.  Ten nights = Movies.

I took the picture about a month ago.  It took over a week to get through the first 3 nights.  We just finished the 10 night stretch.  She's doing really well.  I can't believe that I can walk out of her room and have her fall asleep. She still whines every night that I leave, but she does it.  I think the whining is more for show.  We still have our bumps...like when she screams and cries for an hour straight, or when I head to bed at 11 and she's still awake.  But for the most part, I feel like we've got a good thing going.  For the first time in years, Clif and I can actually follow a grown up show like The Walking Dead*.  We can read books.  We can get laundry done before midnight. 

But most of all, I feel like we've given Ainsley something important.  I always thought that letting her sleep with me was fine.  That it made her feel safe and that was the most important thing.  I want her to feel safe, that is extremely important...but more, I want her to feel confident, I want her to feel fear and conquer it, I want her to problem solve, I want her to rely on herself.  She's only 4 and I expect her to rely on me and Clif for awhile...but hopefully we're getting her on the right foot.

*Holy Hell!!!  Does anyone watch this show?  All I think about is zombies.  Last night I dreamed that I met Jennifer Lopez (random in itself) and she was a zombie!  Crazy stuff.