Grandma orders her sundae and looks back at me.
You ready, babe?
I leave the case and join my grandmother at the ice cream counter.
Can I have a banana split?
Her wide grin spreads slowly across her soft cheeks. Well, it is your birthday, so I guess you can have whatever you want.
The excitement rises in my cheeks. Mom never lets me get banana splits.
I love my Grandmother. She always listens to my stories but never makes me feel silly or babyish. Today is always our special day. Every year, near my birthday, I get to spend one day all by myself with her. That's not easy with so many cousins and siblings. Seems there's always some other little kid around. We shop for brand new shoes and get ice cream. She does it with all her other grandchildren, but i just know she loves my day best. I can feel it.
The man working at the shop delivers our ice cream. My banana split is huge, I've never seen so much ice cream.
I thought maybe you were going to get that pink donut?
I shake my head. No way. It's too hot outside. Ice cream is perfect.
She nods in agreement.
I take bite after bite, watching the ice cream begin to melt. The three colored sauces swirling around one another, turning from their distinct hues to a brownish gray.
Grandma finishes her sundae, How you doing?
I sigh, Getting really full. But I keep eating. Wasting food is not allowed, especially when I've chosen so extravegantly.
Babe, you don't have to finish it. Just eat what you want.
I smile and put my spoon down. Grandma really is the best.
This piece was written in response to a prompt at the Red Dress Club: write a piece, fiction or non-fiction, inspired by the delicious shot. Word limit is 600.
Like I said yesterday, I'm having trouble organizing my thoughts into stories lately. As soon as I saw this picture, I knew what I wanted to write about, but I'm just not sure the story came across the way I wanted it to. Constructive criticism welcome...
What a "sweet" story about a special tradition. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteThis brought me back to two childhood memories. One was a banana split. That's all I remember. I have no idea who bought it for me.
ReplyDeleteThe other was a "desert date" to Serendipity's in NY when I was about 6, with my mother and a friend of hers. I ordered something which I didn't like... and they let me just send it back and order something else. I was in shock. Blissful, sugar coated shock.
I like your Grandma ;)
Excellent post! Every story makes me feel like I am there.
ReplyDeleteThese stories about Grandma make me so happy. I wish I remembered more about her. :)
Love you!
Ok I just wrote a HUGE comment and damn blogger ate it.
ReplyDeleteThe gist of what I said was how much I loved this personal quality of this, yet it's so universal too. So many can relate to spending quality alone time with an adult they love and admire.
The advice I have is really sort of a compliment as well. You do such a lovely job painting this relationship and the joy you feel with your grandma in a scene, that the paragraph starting "I love my grandma" seems out of place.
That paragraph basically sums up what you are trying to show--almost as if you don't trust the reader to get that from your writing--or you don't trust that you did a good enough job showing...which you totally did.
I would take that paragraph out and possibly add something to the scene of you telling your grandma a story or her commenting on it (like you describe in that paragraph). The rest is there, babe. We can see it in the scene.
My only other thing is about your use of italics.
You use them for both thoughts and spoken lines--which can be a bit confusing. I would use good old quotation marks for spoken things and use italics for the thoughts...just to distinguish.
Really awesome.
I remember going for ice cream every week with my grandpa. It was always a special time and I know he liked our time just a little more than time with my cousins.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that stood out to me just a little was the repeated use of the word "cheeks." Grandma's grins spreads across her cheeks, and then excitement rises in your cheeks. I'd try to avoid repeating descriptive words unless there is a very specific reason for it.
This story is a lot of fun. Thank you for sharing it!
This is a very cute story. I love the part where you say '...she loves my day best. I can feel it.' Those lines sum up a very attentive and genuine Grandmother.
ReplyDeleteIn addition to what Katie said earlier, I would tell you to be mindful of things like repeating words. Where you say her wide grin spreads...soft cheeks, then say excitement rises in your cheeks... the repetition doesn't have a place in this story. Try changing the words. (Probably in the second 'cheeks')
Also, try to run a spell/grammar check, just to make sure that you catch the lower case 'i' and spacing. It detracts from the story (any story, not just yours.)
Other than that, you have a nice voice! With a little adjusting, I think you could/would be great!
That's as sweet as the ice cream. And yes, the relief of not having to finish...the astonishment of "breaking the rules" is captured nicely.
ReplyDeleteDitto on the thoughtful concrit above.
Katie wrote my comments for me, all of them. She's sneaky like that!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the memory, too. My Gramma used to take me to an ice cream shop with a giant cone over the entrance, black raspberry ice cream "dripping" down the sides. I swear the giant cone outside made the ice cream taste better.
Yum!